2012 so far

I slid quietly into 2012 with optimism and hope for the coming year. I dont necessarily think that there is a whole new start on 1st January each year. It is a good time to sort of reflect on all that has happened and all that is to come.
Last year was brilliant in some respects and very trying in others.
Good things include the new job and The Man
Bad things include the lack of money and the trials of parenthood.

The new job is very trying sometimes. I am coming to the conclusion that some people just should not be allowed to work in a place where they have to be part of a team. There are people out there - and this is a shock to me - that really don't care about their colleagues or the people that they are supposed to be providing a service for. They are self interested, self obsessed and self promoting. And they do not fit into a work environment where people need to look after each other.
No matter how hard work is, the hardest thing is trying to 'contain' people who would disrupt the whole day and who make their colleagues lives so much more difficult. It is at times like this when I am not so sure about the whole idea of workers rights. Should 'rights' always protect the rights of the individual regardless of the impact that they have on the rest of us!
That is my rant over!!
The Man is the love of my life!
Money is tight. It's a tough time to be needing money - all the costs are going up and the incomes seems to be going down. It is harder to accept austerity when you know that the people who made the bigges mistakes and the people who gained the most are also the people who will suffer least.
This economic down turn is turning me into a bit of a radical!

Happy New Year

to all of you out there. I hope that you get all the good things that you ask for xx

bouncing along

It has been a while.

I remain inordinately happy ... in a blessed kind of way.
The past six months have been scarily amazing. The new job has been like coming home. I absolutely love it. I work with some very vulnerable homeless people and strange though it may seem, I don;t think I have had laughs like those I have had in the past six months. It really is an absolute pleasure to get up in the morning. thats not to say that it is all plain sailing... sometimes it is a little hairy not to mention scary. But it really is fun. It is challenging and very tough going sometimes but a lot of fun.
The kids seem to be enjoying the fact that I am gainfully employed too. No 1 child is coming round to normality and No 2 child remains awash with hormones.
The wonderful man is still in my life and I love him so much. For the first time ever, I know what it is to be half of something. Even though everything is still quite complicated, its still very fresh and very very exciting. What more could I ask for?
I have in my usual way thought about the Wrong Men who drifted in and out of my life. I think that they did drift in for different reasons... they were meant to be. I think that things happen for a reason and even though I cant think of the reasons for them all just yet, I know some of it was about teaching me not to take things so seriously. When I stopped 'looking', I saw the Right Man.
God alone knows how things will pan out... but whatever happens, I have loved and trusted and had the best sex ever.
I hope all of you are well and happy

I notice that I am silent again

It has been a while since I have checked in here and I am hoping to catch up with everyone. I am particularly happy at the moment and I am sort of thinking that it is too good to be true. Is it bad to think like that? If I was committed to some of those self help books, I am sure they would be telling me that I am attracting the bad vibes by these moments of crippling doubt. But I am not really able to think like that. I think I am just bein realistic.
That's not to say that it has all been plain sailing... with my unerring talent for hitting the bumps, there have been a few little stutters along the way. No 1 child has not taken to life away from home as well as I thought. No 2 child is suffering from a rush of hormones that afflicts those approaching the teenage years. Unemployment has lasted longer than I had anticipated (though there is some good news on that front!). Money is tight (nothing new there really) and I am struggling a bit with my course. Perhaps a lot!
But still I find myself wandering round singing to myself and smiling a lot.
I feel content.
I am still adventuring with The Man. I know I have never felt like this before about anyone. It is complicated in some ways but I have never had so much fun with anyone. everything with him is easy. Even the hard bits.
I am looking forward to a new job. It will be a challenging job and one that is going to stretch me more than I have ever been stretched before. It is outside my usual field. I have no idea how it is going to develop as far as hours and workload are concerned and I have no idea what my new colleagues will be like. It really is a step into the dark.
Even though I am struggling with the course, I am really loving the learning. I had forgotten what it is like to have to really really think. It is a real challenge.
The tablets are working and I am on the weaning off stage. I have always thought that mental health is the same as physical health - if there is a 'cure', try it! This is the first time that I have ever had to take my own advice and I must say, it is good advice. The tablets have transformed me and have enabled me to take on the world with enthusiasm
I really do feel like my proper self again. This is me... optimistic and forward looking.
Thats enough now I think!

Happy New Year!

I hope that you all have a healthy wealthy and happy 2011

I was having another silent time

It has been a funny old year. I am reflecting tonight on all the things that have passed in the past 12 months. It has been quite momentous.
i am still taking the tablets and they are still quite magical. I do think it is time that i saw the doctor though. I don't think i should take them for much longer.
I am still seeing The Man. I can't imagine not seeing him.
Number one child has got off to a great start.
Number two child is surprising me every day.
I am studying now instead of working. There was an unfortunate turn of events at work and I now find myself on welfare... not at all where I expected to be this time last year. I am not enjoying the enforced leisure time - hence the study. Study isnt adding anything to the bank accout though and i am getting a little worried about having money for bills. I am not optimistic about finding work. Unemployment here is reaching catastrophe levels. I should say though that i do not miss the stress of work or the daily travel.
If you had told me this time last year that I would be an unemployed part time student, on anti depressants, I would have probably thrown the towel in immediately.

However, this year will be remembered for ome child moving on to much more exciting things. It will also be remembered as the year I became involved in the steamiest and most exciting relationhip I have ever known with the most wonderul man I have ever met. It will be remembered for me realising that I have a very good life and that I am lucky.

In case I don't come back again before Christmas, I wish all of you the best that the season can give you and a happy and prosperous 2011

Transformations

A lot of things have changed or are about to change.
I am not working anymore. I am still trying to decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. The lack of certainty about money is a bit worrying.
Number one child is about to flee the nest and go to college. She'll be gone for most of the next 3 years and if I am honest, I expect that, once gone, she will stay away.
I am going to study again.
The man is still The Man.
There should be a State of Panic setting in because I am a creature of habit. I feel excited and a little bit fearful. But mostly excited.
The lack of work has given me breathing space. I am giving some thought to a complete change of direction. In my advanced years that's not really a good plan but I think it's the best way to move. The field that I was in has moved away from the service user and towards the 'business model' which is not where I am comfortable. I am a dyed in the wool, old style service public servant. It should be about the people and not about the paperwork. I don't know where I will find my niche but it will be in people services of some kind. This is a dangerous place for me to be because I might just jump at something really fanciful and not at all realistic.
Number one child is very excited and I am so proud of her. Parents are there to make it easy for kids to grow up and move on. All we can do is set the stage and hope and pray that they rush towards the stars.
When she was born, I remember telling the nurses in answer to some question that I wanted her to have a mind of her own. I most certainly got what I wished for. Her mind has been a challenge sometimes but she is confident and reasonably well balanced. All I can do now is a lot of praying. I feel quite proud of myself that I have got her this far.
Studying... what can I say. It's something that I got into after Number one child was born. I just can't get it out of my system though. It's time to pick up where I left off. I hope that I will find the brainpower to do it right this time.
The Man is the best thing that has happened to me for a long long time. I don't think I have ever loved anyone like I love him. I have no doubts. There are a lot of obstacles to overcome and I have no idea at this stage how we are going to manage it and neither does he. But thats something to worry about in the future.
I don't know if it's the drugs or that I am just in a good place. I am not asking too many questions or worrying about it. Whatever it is - I am content and happy and not at all scared of anything.