No matter what.. I am still happy

2012 so far

2012-01-21T16:40:00.002Z

I slid quietly into 2012 with optimism and hope for the coming year. I dont necessarily think that there is a whole new start on 1st January each year. It is a good time to sort of reflect on all that has happened and all that is to come.
Last year was brilliant in some respects and very trying in others.
Good things include the new job and The Man
Bad things include the lack of money and the trials of parenthood.

The new job is very trying sometimes. I am coming to the conclusion that some people just should not be allowed to work in a place where they have to be part of a team. There are people out there - and this is a shock to me - that really don't care about their colleagues or the people that they are supposed to be providing a service for. They are self interested, self obsessed and self promoting. And they do not fit into a work environment where people need to look after each other.
No matter how hard work is, the hardest thing is trying to 'contain' people who would disrupt the whole day and who make their colleagues lives so much more difficult. It is at times like this when I am not so sure about the whole idea of workers rights. Should 'rights' always protect the rights of the individual regardless of the impact that they have on the rest of us!
That is my rant over!!
The Man is the love of my life!
Money is tight. It's a tough time to be needing money - all the costs are going up and the incomes seems to be going down. It is harder to accept austerity when you know that the people who made the bigges mistakes and the people who gained the most are also the people who will suffer least.
This economic down turn is turning me into a bit of a radical!

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T00:49:00.002Z

to all of you out there. I hope that you get all the good things that you ask for xx

bouncing along

2011-07-10T23:31:00.002+01:00

It has been a while.

I remain inordinately happy ... in a blessed kind of way.
The past six months have been scarily amazing. The new job has been like coming home. I absolutely love it. I work with some very vulnerable homeless people and strange though it may seem, I don;t think I have had laughs like those I have had in the past six months. It really is an absolute pleasure to get up in the morning. thats not to say that it is all plain sailing... sometimes it is a little hairy not to mention scary. But it really is fun. It is challenging and very tough going sometimes but a lot of fun.
The kids seem to be enjoying the fact that I am gainfully employed too. No 1 child is coming round to normality and No 2 child remains awash with hormones.
The wonderful man is still in my life and I love him so much. For the first time ever, I know what it is to be half of something. Even though everything is still quite complicated, its still very fresh and very very exciting. What more could I ask for?
I have in my usual way thought about the Wrong Men who drifted in and out of my life. I think that they did drift in for different reasons... they were meant to be. I think that things happen for a reason and even though I cant think of the reasons for them all just yet, I know some of it was about teaching me not to take things so seriously. When I stopped 'looking', I saw the Right Man.
God alone knows how things will pan out... but whatever happens, I have loved and trusted and had the best sex ever.
I hope all of you are well and happy

I notice that I am silent again

2011-02-28T00:26:00.002Z

It has been a while since I have checked in here and I am hoping to catch up with everyone. I am particularly happy at the moment and I am sort of thinking that it is too good to be true. Is it bad to think like that? If I was committed to some of those self help books, I am sure they would be telling me that I am attracting the bad vibes by these moments of crippling doubt. But I am not really able to think like that. I think I am just bein realistic.
That's not to say that it has all been plain sailing... with my unerring talent for hitting the bumps, there have been a few little stutters along the way. No 1 child has not taken to life away from home as well as I thought. No 2 child is suffering from a rush of hormones that afflicts those approaching the teenage years. Unemployment has lasted longer than I had anticipated (though there is some good news on that front!). Money is tight (nothing new there really) and I am struggling a bit with my course. Perhaps a lot!
But still I find myself wandering round singing to myself and smiling a lot.
I feel content.
I am still adventuring with The Man. I know I have never felt like this before about anyone. It is complicated in some ways but I have never had so much fun with anyone. everything with him is easy. Even the hard bits.
I am looking forward to a new job. It will be a challenging job and one that is going to stretch me more than I have ever been stretched before. It is outside my usual field. I have no idea how it is going to develop as far as hours and workload are concerned and I have no idea what my new colleagues will be like. It really is a step into the dark.
Even though I am struggling with the course, I am really loving the learning. I had forgotten what it is like to have to really really think. It is a real challenge.
The tablets are working and I am on the weaning off stage. I have always thought that mental health is the same as physical health - if there is a 'cure', try it! This is the first time that I have ever had to take my own advice and I must say, it is good advice. The tablets have transformed me and have enabled me to take on the world with enthusiasm
I really do feel like my proper self again. This is me... optimistic and forward looking.
Thats enough now I think!

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T20:48:00.002Z

I hope that you all have a healthy wealthy and happy 2011

I was having another silent time

2010-12-12T00:50:00.002Z

It has been a funny old year. I am reflecting tonight on all the things that have passed in the past 12 months. It has been quite momentous.
i am still taking the tablets and they are still quite magical. I do think it is time that i saw the doctor though. I don't think i should take them for much longer.
I am still seeing The Man. I can't imagine not seeing him.
Number one child has got off to a great start.
Number two child is surprising me every day.
I am studying now instead of working. There was an unfortunate turn of events at work and I now find myself on welfare... not at all where I expected to be this time last year. I am not enjoying the enforced leisure time - hence the study. Study isnt adding anything to the bank accout though and i am getting a little worried about having money for bills. I am not optimistic about finding work. Unemployment here is reaching catastrophe levels. I should say though that i do not miss the stress of work or the daily travel.
If you had told me this time last year that I would be an unemployed part time student, on anti depressants, I would have probably thrown the towel in immediately.

However, this year will be remembered for ome child moving on to much more exciting things. It will also be remembered as the year I became involved in the steamiest and most exciting relationhip I have ever known with the most wonderul man I have ever met. It will be remembered for me realising that I have a very good life and that I am lucky.

In case I don't come back again before Christmas, I wish all of you the best that the season can give you and a happy and prosperous 2011

Transformations

2010-09-12T15:37:00.002+01:00

A lot of things have changed or are about to change.
I am not working anymore. I am still trying to decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. The lack of certainty about money is a bit worrying.
Number one child is about to flee the nest and go to college. She'll be gone for most of the next 3 years and if I am honest, I expect that, once gone, she will stay away.
I am going to study again.
The man is still The Man.
There should be a State of Panic setting in because I am a creature of habit. I feel excited and a little bit fearful. But mostly excited.
The lack of work has given me breathing space. I am giving some thought to a complete change of direction. In my advanced years that's not really a good plan but I think it's the best way to move. The field that I was in has moved away from the service user and towards the 'business model' which is not where I am comfortable. I am a dyed in the wool, old style service public servant. It should be about the people and not about the paperwork. I don't know where I will find my niche but it will be in people services of some kind. This is a dangerous place for me to be because I might just jump at something really fanciful and not at all realistic.
Number one child is very excited and I am so proud of her. Parents are there to make it easy for kids to grow up and move on. All we can do is set the stage and hope and pray that they rush towards the stars.
When she was born, I remember telling the nurses in answer to some question that I wanted her to have a mind of her own. I most certainly got what I wished for. Her mind has been a challenge sometimes but she is confident and reasonably well balanced. All I can do now is a lot of praying. I feel quite proud of myself that I have got her this far.
Studying... what can I say. It's something that I got into after Number one child was born. I just can't get it out of my system though. It's time to pick up where I left off. I hope that I will find the brainpower to do it right this time.
The Man is the best thing that has happened to me for a long long time. I don't think I have ever loved anyone like I love him. I have no doubts. There are a lot of obstacles to overcome and I have no idea at this stage how we are going to manage it and neither does he. But thats something to worry about in the future.
I don't know if it's the drugs or that I am just in a good place. I am not asking too many questions or worrying about it. Whatever it is - I am content and happy and not at all scared of anything.

ok.. so that man

2010-08-17T16:03:00.003+01:00

I am almost afraid to mention it on here...

I met him fairly recently. It was all very innocent and a very long story. To keep it brief, we had a meal and it went from there.
As you know, my love life will never be anything less than complicated. Trying to fit it in round the rest of my life is not easy.
I've been trying to avoid the bumps as well as the highs and it has been impossible. I seemed to be running straight into the bumps everytime I left the house. I had resigned myself to the fact that if I wanted to avoid the bumps I had to avoid the highs as well. If I could avoid feeling anything, then I would miss out on a lot of heartbreak.
But I don't like that. How do you know that you are alive if you don't feel anything? I really believe that if you don't feel the bumps, then you don't recognise the highs.
I was beginning to worry though... I seemed to be finding all the bumps and none of the highs. That's not really my idea of a fun time.
So I find myself here - crashing over the bumps and running up the hill towards the high point. Ohh yes.. I am getting back on the big scary ride again
Anyway, back to the topic in hand - his life is just as complicated as mine.
We get together when we can and keep in touch in other ways when we can't.
It has been a bit overwhelming - and I know you have heard all this before from me. I suddenly feel that I have missed out on a lot. I wouldn't change anything about my life (see previous posts on that subject). I just want to catch up on everything with him now.
I have no illusions this time. I know that life gets in the way of love and that I can't expect miracles. I know that things could change in a second. I know that, on this occasion, the future is an unknown quantity. Well, I suppose it's an unknown quantity all the time. But not focussing on the future has made it easier to live in the moment and to enjoy what is happening now.

A few positive vibes might help

I just started

2010-07-28T22:05:00.002+01:00

another month of tablets
I have to admit that they are quite magical.
I am a bit worried though that when I have to stop taking them that i will plummet again.
I suppose that this is not a good time to start worrying. If i start the worrying cycle now, then I will not get the best of the tablets.
so now that I have got that off my chest, I will go back to enjoying the benefits of the drugs

no 1

2010-07-27T23:46:00.000+01:00

Number 1 (the notorious Mr Wrong) has appeared again.
I knew he had radar!
What was interesting though was that this time I had no interest... none whatsoever. That kinda shocked me. It was very nice to talk to him but there was no spark.. zero!
I haven't talked to him for a very long time so I suppose that whatever it was thrilled me about him has evaporated into cyber space. He's no different to the person he was before. Still a charmer... still funny... still a great chatter.
There is a very valuable lesson to be learned from the short chat that I had with him tonight. It is that with the benefit of distance, the shiniest jewel can seem a bit dull.

there are some

2010-07-17T16:00:00.001+01:00

who would say that I would say that I spend too much time thinking!

Dunno where they got that idea from :-)

or alternatively

2010-07-17T15:57:00.003+01:00

My boy asked me today 'if you could go back in time and change somethings - or even everything- what would you change?'

I don't know if you have ever seen the film Sliding Doors?
Well, when i started to considre my son's question, I realised there is probably nothing that I would change.

I would go back and revisit my school days and maybe focus a bit more. But any change I would make would have a knock on effect on everything else. Like in the film!
So I have decided that there is nothing I would change. All the bad times and especially all the good times. Good and bad - they are what made me who I am and they have made my life what it is.

Again, this is an interim answer!

things I wish I had known

2010-07-16T21:59:00.000+01:00

when I was 16.

I read something about what other people wish they had known. It made me think about what I know now and what I wish I had known.

My interim list is as follows:

When my mum said 'go to school and get an education' - she was right!

Then when she said ' there's nothing clever about getting drunk' - yes ... she was right again.

If people don't like you its because not everyone can like you... just the same way as you dont have to like everyone else

If people are talking about you, they are leaving someone else alone.

If they are talking about you in a bad way, they don't matter. Anyone that matters will not be talking about you... except in a good way.

Life just keeps on getting better. even on the bad days I am glad I am old(ish) and not young(ish).

Fun is supposed to be just that... fun. It's not a competition, it's not supposed to hurt (you or anyone else) and it should make you laugh and still laugh when you remember it.

I wasn't fat!! That's a shock

You can still be daft when you're old (ish)

This is my preliminary list - i intend to revisit this

and as well as all that

2010-07-16T01:11:00.002+01:00

I met a man!

I may go into more detail in some future post but in the meantime.. I will just say he is great fun. Even better than tablets!

well.. it has kinda passed

2010-07-16T00:51:00.002+01:00

the madness has gone for a while thanks to the wonders of medical science.

I visited the docs around the time i wrote the last entry here. She was quite perceptive - a diagnosis of depression within about 3 minutes of meeting her. It might have been the sobbing and the tears rolling down my face that gave it away.

When the doc gave me the wee tablets she failed to mention that we were talking about a 6 month run of wee tablets followed by a weaning off process which would probably be another 3 months minimum.

I guess having a big lump of a woman nearly howling in her office made her hesitate with the whole information overload thing. She just said that I shouldn't stop taking the tablets without speaking to a doctor first.

Anyway, doc number 2 explained it all when, a month later, i went for the repeat prescription. I didnt actually go for a repeat prescription - I went to let them know I felt able to stop taking them.

As he was not familiar with all the gory details, I told him the whole sorry tale (no tears this time). He gave me the whole run down on what happens from here, tablet wise.

SIX months???

On the positive side, I do feel more like my usual self. I feel relaxed. I have been able to laugh a lot. I am getting better able to manage the fuzzy head that the drugs have given me. I am starting to get my ass into gear and begin the fight back to my 'normal' self (which is as mad as a box of frogs, or so I have been told)

The tablets have been nothing short of miraculous. I've had more than my fair share of stress over the past 6 or 7 months (which I will probably blog about when all the stress is dealt with).

I suppose in my saner moments, i understand that my mental health was bound to take a dive because noone can keep going indefinitely when they are under extraordinary levels of pressure. I am thankful for the opportunity to have a chemical crutch to help me over this hurdle.

On the other hand I am angry .. in a kind of chilled out medicated way. I understand also that it is ok to be angry with the people who have caused this upheaval in my life.

It's just bloody infuriating!! for all the understanding of whats going on in my head, I also feel very helpless. I hate that feeling.

Sometimes

2010-06-09T12:42:00.001+01:00

it is just very hard to keep your perspective.

Sometimes you just can't fight it
Sometimes, you just want to lay down and let it all wash over you
Sometimes you just want to scream and roar and cry

Usually it just passes.. if you just keep saying to yourself 'this too will pass' over and over again. Mostly it does eventually pass.

Sometimes it just goes on and on and on and on!

Mo Mowlam

2010-01-31T23:10:00.003Z

I just watched a fictionalised drama about Mo Mowlam on Channel 4 (uk). Obviously as a fictionalised account, there were some liberties taken with the truth but I would guess that there was enough fact in there to make it as truthful an account as is possible for a drama lasting a couple of hours.

I always thought she was a truly remarkable woman. If even half of the account was true, then she was even more of a wonder than I thought.

She was the Secretary of State for Northern Ireland at the time of the Good Friday Agreement - the agreement that led to the fiasco that is the NI Assembly. It would be interesting to see how she would have dealt with the stand off about devolution of policing and justice that is keeping NI politicians awake into the wee hours at the moment. Maybe she'd say to them ' get a fkn grip babe.'

Anyway, Mo died aged 55 from a brain tumour, an illness that she had carried throughout her time in NI.. maybe for as long as 20 years. In spite of that, she managed to work with, cajole, manipulate and bully NI politicians into an agreement that has shaped a relatively peaceful but by no means perfect NI. You should remember, these were people who would not even talk to each other. When two of them shook hands it was front page news on the whole island. People who held each other in total contempt. People who saw themselves and the rest of us as belonging to one tribe or another and with no one in between.

The later days of Mo's work in NI were overshadowed by the treacherous maneouverings of British and Irish politicians - some of whom were protecting their own political careers, others who were (I think) horrified that a woman - and particularly a loud and swearing one - would be, to all intents and purposes, the 'boss'.

Some of the leading politicians came across well - Adam Ingram, who I never had much time for, seems to have been a genuinely nice man. Others didn't fare so well.
Peter Mandelson appears to be a slimy, treacherous, self serving little weasel - no new information there then.
David Trimble, if the portrayal is accurate, is one of those obnoxious creatures who finds powerful women a bit of a challenge.His fall back position was 'I'll go to the Prime Minister because that will keep you in your place you upstart of a woman'. (Obviously he didn't actually say that.. but I know what he meant!)
Her doctor was a truly nice man.
Her husband was just her soul mate - they seemed to have that lovely imperfect relationship, untouched by cynicism. Something I aspire to!!

The story was lovely (although very sad).. she was an inspirational woman who made a difference to people's lives. Not because she was able to pull the Northern Ireland peace process into a living and dynamic project. She made a difference because she made people feel that they were important and special. Not just the people that she hugged and shook hands with but the people who watched her drive on, regardless of the challenges around her. She embodied the 'yes we can' attitude. The attitude that we are all part of the same solution and that we can all add something to the deal.

The sadness is that as we grow more distant from that legacy, we forget that 'we can' and believe again that it's all about sides and winning.

2010

2009-12-26T20:52:00.002Z

I am going to round this year off on Monday night... me and my Very Best friend are doing our Christmas night out to see our Very Favourite Band in our Very Favourite Pub. Our annual extravaganza. It was nearly scuppered by frost and snow but we have formulated A Plan so The Big Girls Night Out is on again (and yes.. we are Big Girls.. in every sense of the phrase!)

I can't wait for the start of the New Year. I know it's really stupid .. I reality, January 1st is just another day and life just trundles on. But 2009 is a year that I would really like to draw a line under.

When I look back on this year, I can't think of anything nice about it at all. I see 2009 as the year when life was like a big dark cloud. Not even a big dark cloud.. Like a big black marshmallow.. like a big dark gooey mess with a sickly sweet tone to it. Dark, cloying, suffocating and not at all good for you.. if you know what I mean

Before I draw the line though, I am going to find all .. or some of the positive things.. so that I can move into next year with a positive feeling about the future.

One good thing I suppose is that because I was ill at the start of the year, I lost a lot of weight.. enough to make me now feel as if I am back to being what I should be size wise! That has been great in terms of trying to find clothes that fit. It has cost me a fortune restocking my wardrobe.. and because certain kinds of clothes are cheaper than others, I have had to review my 'style' (if you knew me you would know that 'style' is perhaps not the word!). So now I am wearing clothes that I would not have even considered trying on 12 months ago.. including very short skirts.

Another nice thing was meeting a really lovely man. Now, I know that in the context of all my previous posts about men, this will be hard to believe. This one is different though. He's not really a man... in the romantic sense.. he's 'just a friend' and he has given me a lot to smile about this year. Having said that, we have had one or two hot and heavy moments over the past year. I met him through a dating site. We have chatted for about a year and met up a few times.
I like him partly because there seem to be no expectations involved.

It's a bit like when you're a teenager .. you have loads of friends who are boys and some who you occasionally lock lips with. But then it's better than being a teenager - there are fewer hormonal fevers involved, so the angst and worry is not at the same intense level.

The other thing i like is that he's my guilty secret. Apart from my very best friend, no one knows about him at all. Obviously you all know now.. but thats ok!

Anyway, that's two nice things about 2009 .. just enough to get me started.

Nitey nite honey xxx

2009-12-19T21:26:00.001Z

My other friend passed away this week.. a long and torturous battle against cancer. I didn't know him as well or as long as I would have liked. But I knew him enough to know that he will always be there in my head and I will miss him so much.

He was the one who kept me sane through this year when so much has happened. Maybe I was able to do the same for him too. I wish I had asked.

We made plans to do things. A bit of me would love to do them anyway and then email all the gossip to him. I guess that sounds a bit weird. Noone else here knew him and I don't know any of his friends or family so I feel as if I have noone to share all the thoughts and memories. I know other people knew and loved him longer and I'm probably just a wimp for thinking that what I feel is anything compared to how they feel at the minute.

I emailed him tonight to tell him that I would miss him. It was good to get it out of my system. It's so strange to think that he will never read it.

he gave me a lot of strength particularly over the past year which has been pretty shit to be honest. He made me feel as if whatever the world threw at me I would be able to handle it. He told me off all the time.. for being an overproetctive mum, for working to long and too hard, for not eating properly.. and when he found out that I smoked.. God that was a long conversation!!!!

We used to chat every day.. if I was late home from work, I would sign into msn and there would be a host of messages saying 'where are u?' or 'you'd better be home from work' or 'come on.. I am missing u'

we talked about music, politics, history, child rearing, life in general, what we'd do when I won the lotto, where we had visited or where we'd like to visit and all sorts of rubbish. We talked sometimes late at night when we were both under the influence.

We talked about his illness and the chemo and I know how much that was taking out of him. We sat in our respective homes.. him in his and me in mine..in different countries,, watching the same videos on You Tube and arguing about who sang the best version of different songs .. he planned his funeral .. we had a lot of laughs and a lot of tears. More laughs than tears I hope.

Our MSN chatting record was one saturday when we talked all day .. literally. Apart from breaks to run to the shop and to eat, we talked from about 10am til about midnight
We texted through the day and I always got a text about 5.30 saying 'you'd better be on the bus home'

I will miss him so much.

Wherever you are Stan, keep in touch xxxx

Here I am again

2009-10-17T11:03:00.002+01:00

I have not been very good at blogging.. even after I resolved to make the effort!
So here goes.. and I warn you this is going to be as dull as ditchwater!
Had an excellent night out last week at a reunion. Not the usual schoolor workplace reunion.. but a reunion of people to drank in the same pub.
A night to remember.... if only i could remember everything that happened! Actually I do remember pretty much everything.
It was really interesting to see how people have grown.
We were all 'children of the troubles' and some had a more direct involvement than others.
We were mostly of the same age.. at least those who attended the reunion were.
So we have aged.. some of us with more grace and dignity than others; some with assistance from technology and medical science; some with no regard at all for the conventional wisdom about becoming more sensible as the years pass.
For the most part, everyone was really pleased to see everyone else.. we renewed aquaintances with people we hadn't seen or heard of for years. Cyberspace is groaning under the weight of all the Tweets and chats that have been exchanged between us in the past couple of weeks.
It was really interesting to see how we have changed.. people are 'well mended' (a little rounder than they were), greyer, more wrinkled and a little slower than they were but mostly the light of our collective youth was still glowing. We still have a spark of passion - every single person I spoke to!
It was lovely to relive our youth for a night and to remember all the really really silly things that we did. For the most part we were good people...... silly, stupid, a bit careless and perhaps loud.. but still, we were good. The 'good'-ness shines through in the jobs that we do. The vast majority in 'caring' jobs of one kind or another. That was interesting
anyway.. thats a post done! I will get back into the swing of this one of these days.. I'll try every day.. even to do couple of lines

So .. did I please you?

2009-10-09T13:05:00.002+01:00

A man asked me that recently.
I don't know what I am supposed to say in these circumstances.. I wonder is he asking so that I can tickle his ego a little
or is he asking because he genuinely wants to know if he pleased me
Previous history with this particular gentleman would lead me to believe that it's the former though my natural instinct is to go with the latter. The response would be different for each scenario.. it's not in my nature to bruise an ego so perhaps i will tickle instead
This is quite the conundrum!

stranger

2009-10-09T12:45:00.003+01:00

I just realised that it has been a very long time since I last wrote anything in here. In the context of my last post, I'm wondering what has brought on this silence.
Don't know really.. haven't been particularly happy or sad or anything for that matter!
So here are my considered musings on why I am quiet.
Work has been a bit of a nightmare. I am a bit frazzled and fraught with all the goings on. Office politics is something that infuriates me.
I think I am not quite clever enough to get involved. I am not good at second guessing what people are thinking or why they are doing things. If someone says something I assume they are saying what they think. Every single time I am shocked to find out they meant something else.
Biggest problem is though that other people try to second guess why I do the things I do and say. So for example.. I make a phone call to a colleague.. then the rumour mill starts with the ' why is she phoning her' 'what did they talk about' 'they must have been talking about x' ' that means that she made a decision about x and didnt tell us' ' that means that she is trying to undermine us'' we'll have to do something about it' .. then a plan is formulated to deal with the perceived affront.
Men still confuse me.. but I think I have perhaps covered this particular issue in more than enough detail. Just to say, still don't understand why they can't say what is on their mind.
I have a child to his preparing for uni next year and going through the selection process thing. If anyone has any ideas about how I can bribe uni admissions tutors, feel free to let me know. I hae no money no savings no assets (wealth or other) and no time to think up anything complicated.. so your ideas should be cheap, easy and not involve any time
I am now worried about why Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize.. I guess they'll tell us soon enough .. but really???????????? I like him and I think he has achieved a lot in terms of giving people hope and a sense of 'yes we can' but the Nobel Peace Prize???????
I am as usual obsessed with where the money is coming from to do anything from paying bills to having a social life. The bills are winning so far.
Still expecting my lottery numbers to come up. So far I have been disappointed twice a week.
Just read all that back.. now realise I spend too much time thinking
That must be why I don't blog.
New rules be in force from today.. no thinking without writing

oh dear.. i have been very silent

2009-10-09T12:44:00.000+01:00

strange

2009-07-23T21:59:00.002+01:00

i just noticed that I blog more when I am happy or angry but not really when i am calm or sad. That's strange..
Given my enormous capacity for over thinking, I have given this some thought.
I have come to the conclusion that when I am calm I have nothing to say.. so I don't bother.
When I am sad, I try to work things out in my head before I commit them to writing. Then by the time I have gone through that process, I am calm and serene again.. and therefore have nothing to say!
Alternatively, when I am sad, I am not really even admitting to myself that I am sad so I don't write because that makes it more real.
OR I am so private that I don't even want to let my feelings show.. even if it's anonymous!
So that has me thinking.. again

The 12th

2009-07-12T01:13:00.002+01:00

It's the 12th of July .. the silly season.. the time when the great and the good of this fine country lose their reason. Or whatever bit of reason they had. Which - if I was being honest - I don't think they have much of to start with.
I hate the time around the 12th because it causes people to jump back into the trenches. (Even me.. in spite of my claims to be pretty much without bias and bigotry, I found myself having a wee secret giggle to myself because the weather has taken a dive so it looks like it will pour on their parade of culture.. hahahaha).
But in 'celebration' of the season, we've had a man beaten to death, bombscares, hijackings, threats, tension and just the usual run of stupid behaviour.
Just a bit sick of it

Steven Wells

2009-07-12T00:37:00.002+01:00

Steven Wells .. aka Swells.. aka Seethin Wells was a man who ranted for a living - first as a poet and more recently as a journalist.
I remember him from the olden days when I was as angry as he was about life, music, politics, people. I suppose I still am that angry.. I am just not brave enough to express it, in the terms that I would like to, for fear of offending people.
I was quite shocked when I read about his death in the papers this week.. I hadn't really heard about him for a while.
The obituaries directed me to his columns in the Philadelphia Weekly.
I read the columns about his experiences of cancer and the aftermath of a diagnosis of cancer. I laughed and cried in equal measure. His descriptions of the health service were I am sure no surprise to anyone who has been at the recieving end of health 'care'. I would recommend this as essential reading for all people who work or want to work in the management/ admin side of health care.
I would also recommend it to people who want to be doctors, nurses, cleaners. In fact .. if you want to get involved in any aspect of 'caring' for other people, it's the most accurate lesson you will ever find in 'how not to do it'.
I wandered from there on to his other writing about bands, homophobia, politics, religion, life, the universe and everything. He wasn't 'nice', he didn't follow the rules of writing, he made up his own words (one of my own favourite pastimes), and he was unbelieveably cruel in some of his reviews and observations.
I think what made him a genius was his ability to write as if the rage was just pouring out of the ends of his fingers. He was obviously clever.. very very funny..articulate.. full of passion.. and without fear.
I suppose he had fears about life and death because I don't think that there's a person alive who doesn't - but he was not afraid to challenge what he hated or say what he felt.
If he was as he wrote , he must have been a thoroughly nice man.
When I get my 3 wishes, one of them will be to be able to write as he did... clear, fearless, funny, personal, passionate and angry.
The world will definitely be a poorer place without him.

confusion?????? Yes

2009-07-09T23:46:00.003+01:00

The health service here in Ireland is a two tier system.. those people who have a low income or who fall into one of a fixed set of categories are entitled to free public sector medical care. Those who have an income higher than the means test allows, are obliged to take out private health insurance. As I fall into one of the lucky categories, I am a medical card holder and am able to access to the public health service.

As with everything else, the health service here is affected by the global recession and expenditure cuts. Public sector vacancies are not being filled, waiting lists are long and servies are being withdrawn. Going into a public health service facility is a depressing enough experience. The surroundings are pretty bleak and basic and the staff are clearly run off their feet.

If you have a medical emergency, you go to A and E and if you don't have a medical card or health insurance, you pay at the point of delivery. If you can't pay, you can't avail of the services. The means test takes many people on very modest incomes out of medical card entitlements

I have been waiting for a wee medical procedure since January. When I was first referred for the procedure, I was advised that it was urgent and that I would probably be waiting for a couple of weeks. Then the consultant (without meeting me) decided that I was not urgent and I joined the non urgent waiting list. In the meantime, while waiting for the procedure, I have had to take medication to control the problem ('women's problems') on free prescriptions. I have had to visit the GP for regular checks (also free) and I have lost time from work because of the symptoms.

Then today I receive a letter from the consultant's office. The State, it seems, doesn't like having waiting lists because they interfere with the impression that all is well and they screw up the performance statistics (it doesn't actually say that in the letter but you know what I mean).
Anyway, this letter is offering me the opportunity to get off the waiting list by 'volunteering' to go private (at their expense). If I don't reply, I get taken off the list.

I have a serious problem with this. If they take me off the list by sending me to a private hospital, then they have to pay for the service to be delivered to me outside of the normal system. The money that they would use to treat me goes out of the public sector and into the already very wealthy private sector. This opportunity is available to everyone on the waiting list after a certain period of time has elapsed.

I think that is disgraceful. To my admittedly ignorant mind, they would be better paying for another doctor.. or another ward .. or whatever it takes.. to work in the public hospital.

I have a problem with private provision generally. It allegedly frees up resources - 'wealthier' people, who can afford it, use private services thereby leaving the public sector to meet the needs of poorer people. The ironic thing is that as people move into private health care, the public sector seems to contract.

If I choose to remain on the waiting list, I will definitely be regarded as 'non urgent' and will find myself slipping down the list as new urgent cases come into the system. I will continue to be monitored by the GP and I will continue to take regular medication to control my condition. All free to me and paid for by the state. All this is draining much needed resources out of the system.

One of the things that fascinates me about all this, is that senior civil servants and political leaders would say we are striving for 'joined up government' . According to the spin, they all work to reduce costs and ensure that the different services are linked so that we all get value for money. They talk to each other to make sure that they money is spent in the most efficient way possible.

Does it not seem odd then the cost of providing all this free care to me probably far outweighs the cost of providing the original procedure in January? If the resources had been made available, I could have had the procedure while I was in hospital anyway. I would not be monitored by the GP at this stage and I would not be taking any of the medication that I am now taking and have been taking for six months. I would not be taking time off work.

I would love to know how I can find out the total costs of both scenarios - the ongoing care and the one off procedure. But then I would have to make it public and then it would look as if I was moaning about the care that I have recieved and the only complaint that I have is that the staff are knackered!

I will try and work out if I can sell my principles up the river and take the private care.. or sell my principles up the river by being a continuing drain on the public purse. I shall keep you posted.

Feeling sad

2009-07-02T20:36:00.002+01:00

It has been 2 months and I still miss Mr Lovely Gentleman so much. I feel 'sad' in the traditional - I am not happy - sense. And also 'sad' in the teenagey - 'you are so pathetic' - sense.
I read tonight over my posts to try and be thankful that i had such a nice time. But it's not working. I have tried not to be in any kind of contact with him apart from a few chatty emails but it's very hard.
I can't even listen to music because every tune I listen to reminds me of him because we talked about and listened to music so much. Can't even lift my head in some streets because they remind me of him.
I still expect him to be there.. or to phone or text or mail to say 'where do you stand on xxxxx?' as a prelude to 'do you fancy going to see it?'
It's just so pathetic!
I am back to over thinking again too
Was he a good liar and an exceptionally good actor? just letting me think he felt the same as I did?
Was he stringing me along? passing the time til he got a better offer. I can't believe that I could have misjudged someone so much.. but the evidence seems to point that way. That has sent my confidence skydiving because I don't feel able to trust what I am seeing anymore.
I know this is a temporary blip and that 'this too shall pass' but it's not nice at the moment

The Rise of the Right part 2

2009-06-17T20:26:00.002+01:00

Any illusions that the BNP phenomenon was a blip has been obliterated in Sunny Northern Ireland.
Now that the war is over and we are embarking on the path of conflict resolution and reconciliation, we have a whole new target for our venom.
Oh yes.. racism is the new sectarianism.
Roma families - 100 people including children - have been driven from their homes by racist mobs. The attempts by local community groups to protect the families have come to nothing and the families have been staying in a local church centre.
This has posed an interesting conundrum for the powers that be. As new entrants to the European Union, Romanian people have no automatic right to state assistance for anything. So regardless of the reason for their homelessness, the state has no statutory duty to intervene.
This means that these people, who are now homeless, may now be on the streets.
The civil servants and the government minister have been emergencey talks today to try and find a way of helping these people. They don't want to give themselves aduty to house them.
At the same time, the Good Friday Agreement, that all the politicians signed up to and many of them continually remind us, requires us to treat all people equally regardless of their background. Everyone is entitled to parity of esteem.
So, one would think, the Roma people, driven from their homes by racist thugs would be entitiled to assistance.
Nope
However, if our Assembly do not treat them as they would anyone else , they are to all intents and purposes admitting that they do not do the whole parity of esteem thing in the real world. Only on paper.
A number of years ago, a young woman from Eastern Europe lost her legs as a direct result of being homeless and sleeping on the streets in the middle of winter. All our representatives cried about how this would never be allowed to happen on their watch. Well boys and girls, now's your chance!
Show us what equality is all about!
Show us that regardless of our statutory obligations, we have moral obligations to ensure that not one person has t sleep on the streets. Confornt the racists. Tell them that no matter what they do, these families and all the other families who are intimidated out of their homes because they are 'not the same as us' , will be treated with respect and compassion.

Election results

2009-06-08T21:10:00.006+01:00

The results of the euro and local elections are in now. Although there are some smidgeons of reasonably good news.. notably the election of a socialist candidate in Dublin and the growth of the Labour vote here.. the frightening news is the rise of the Right in Europe.

Bad enough that the 'mainstream' right wing parties are marching forth and spewing their venom. Worse still though, the British National Party (BNP) and other equally objectionable 'parties' have managed to get a foothold.

The BNP for the uninitiated are a far right party whose roots are in the National Front, who deny the Holocaust, who are admirers of Hitler and who exist to promote the rights of the indigenous population.

One of their representatives, asked if black, Asian or other people from minority goups can become members of their vile organisation, repeated in the style of a man reading from his school reading book that the party is for the indigenous population. For 'indigenous' in this case read 'white'. And probably a particular kind of 'white' at that.

The BNP and others like them have been able to take advantage of the economic and social disasters that have engulfed the world and which have had a disproportionately cruel impact on working class and poorer families and individuals.

Everyone wants to have an explanation for the things that have been handed out to them.. can't afford a house, can't get a good education for the kids, can't get a job, live in an increasingly isolated and dangerous world... all the things that are hammering ordinary people.

And the 'mainstream' parties - particularly those in government - have not felt it necessary to explain. Under normal circumstances, this would be par for the course. No one expects much from them these days anyway.
In the current economic environment however, explanations and solutions are required. People need to know why it was deemed necessary to bail out banks, why it was necessary to abandon other big emplyers, why money is being slashed from public services, why there are housing waiting lists and who is going to house people. They need to know that it's not the fault of immigrants or any other group apart from those who pulled us into the mire (ohh yes.. bankers, property developers, etc etc etc). Politicians have a responsibility to explain and to offer solutions.

To keep things in some kind of perspective, the BNP did not see a massive rise in their vote. In spite of their confidence that they would gain up to 12 seats - in the light of public disillusionment about the state of the economy, politicians expenses, Labour infighting and all the political posturing and handbags at dawn that goes on in parliament - they actually only sent two of their candidates to Europe. Two too many for my liking.

They did not poll many more votes than they did last time. What they did do though was get their voters out when so many more people were so disillusioned, demoralised, disgusted and angry that they didn't turn out to vote for anyone. That's a very dangerous attitude but one that is widespread and perfectly understandable. Why would anyone vote for the same people who have let us down so badly?

There are of course revolutionary alternatives - no parliamentary road to socialism being one. But that message is not widespread and not particularly accessible to people. That's not to say that people don't understand it - they just don't hear it.
Whatever it is they are doing to fund it, the BNP have managed to access the media to peddle their hated filled message, present themselves as a real, acceptable and viable alternative and recruit from disengaged and disillusioned communities. They have visited the style coaches, dressed up, got hair cuts (or in some cases, grown their hair), covered the tattoos, airbrushed their individual and collective histories, mangled their true message and in essence, played the political spin game
The revolutionaries could learn from them.
On the positive side, Nick Griffin's open air press conference was disrupted today by egg throwing protesters. According to him, it was leftie students backed by the three major parties. I don't think so.

still

2009-06-02T21:44:00.001+01:00

still smoking, still heartbroken, still stressed, still missing my friend, still tired all the time, still happy

Being old

2009-05-25T19:36:00.003+01:00

My friend and I had our night out and very nice it was too.
I wonder about my capacity to have two nights out in one week. I think I may be getting a little too old for it.
However, even if I am too old, I think it is my moral duty to try my very best to have these occasional blast of decadence. I think the suffering afterwards is a small sacrifice for knowing that I am still a social being.

NOT

2009-05-25T12:29:00.001+01:00

Not a good day to give up smoking.. got up.. noticed that i had a bit of a hangover.. ate breakfast.. smoked a cig.. remembered it was giving up day..

PS and on a more negative note

2009-05-24T13:52:00.001+01:00

I am wondering if tomorrow is a good day to give up smoking.. I will have a hangover. NOT good!
I will keep you posted :-)

Mojo day

2009-05-24T13:29:00.003+01:00

I had the strangest evening.. my friend and I decided to give last night a miss and go out tonight instead. So that left the way clear for No 1 (Mr Wrong..wrong.. wrong - the one with the radar) .. who was 'in the area'..

We met up and had a few drinks. It was all very much against my better judgement. But it has been such a tough week I just wanted to do something .. I don't know... something 'wrong' - something that I knew I shouldn't do.

I had a notion that I would use the opportunity to give him a really hard time by taking my anger and tension out on him. I figured that he doesn't matter to me and he has been quite nasty so he's fair game. That's not really my style but I had almost justified it to myself.

I was a bit uncomfortable with it all at first. I know that he's not a road that I want to go down again. But after an hour or so (and a couple of drinks) I had relaxed enough to tell myself to chill out and just enjoy the craic.

And it was really really good fun. We had such a laugh and it was like the last 6 months or so hadn't happened.

I am not sure why it was like that and maybe I shouldn't even think about it or over analyse it.

Obviously I am going to over think and analyse because that's built into my psyche!

It could be that he knows nothing about the stresses of the past few weeks. It meant that I wasn't talking about those things - it was all out of my head for the whole night.

Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling ten stone lighter and feeling maybe ready to take on the world again.

If I read this blog over the past few months, I can see that my head has been - and probably still is - all over the place. I think I am coming to the start of something new.

PLEASE PLEASE if you see my head dropping again.. can you remind me to read here that even when things are bad, I can find a way to get round it.

Morosity

2009-05-23T11:19:00.003+01:00

Have you ever had one of those days but it extended into one of those weeks and then, before you realised it, it had stretched into a month. Well... that's how I feel! I am not sure if morosity is a word... in my head it means a state of being morose which goes on and on and on..

I got news that my other friend is less well than I previously thought. He sounds very ill but because he's far away I can only hear him and I can't see how he looks. I don't know what to say to him.

Things at work are being squeezed by the effects of the economic recession and we may be losing jobs. Some of my colleagues have gone into 'ostrich' mode.. head in the sand and doing nothing. Others have gone into panic mode and are trying all they know to get us out of a very big hole. I waivered the other day and went into a meltdown and told some of them that I was just going to get out of it. I got an email from one of my team telling me that she needed me to stay so that we could make things right. It is so frustating. I told her that i was just having a wee blip and that I was going nowhere. But I am trying to hold my team together and some of my team are letting their teams fall apart. So I am getting to hold their teams together as well. I feel as if I am barking orders out all the time and that is not my style of management. In fact I am a shit manager..I expect people to be motivated and to do what they are paid to do. I don't see why they should be allowed to collect a salary at the end of the month if they are putting nothing into the mix. So I am getting a reputation.. some of it positive 'we are getting somewhere now because she is back' from the workers... 'she's a bitch and a bully' from some of those who are less imaginative in their approach to work.

I remain stunned by the loss of our friend. It is surreal knowing that she has gone for good. Normally when someone leaves our place of work, we have a leaving party and we keep contact... going out for a drink, calling, emailing. Noone ever just disappears. This time there was no 'closure'.. no goodbye, no promise to stay in touch, no fallout. It's just like a gaping hole has been left. Her hand has touched everything in the office.. her name, handwriting, humour is everywhere. There have been so many tears.

Then there's Mr Lovely Gentleman. It may be that the unfortunate end of that episode has coincided with all the other sorrows. It may be that I am just a sucker for a nice man. It may be that it didn't end properly in the drawing a clear line sense. May be I am mixing up my grieving.. thinking that I am grieving the loss of him when actually I am grieving the loss of my friend.
Whatever it is I feel a huge gap has just appeared... that something is missing. I feel as if he should always be there.

I keep expecting to see him everywhere. Even the bus station.. which I have to go to every day and which he has no cause to be at at all. Sometimes when I am walking up my street I look to see if his car is outside my door. I can't listen to music because we listened to so much together and talked some much about music that every note reminds me of him. What really beats me is that I really only knew him for about a month. It was the most undramatic and unremarkable briefest relationship that I have ever had with anyone but at the same time it was so perfect. Different kind of everything.. chemistry, feelings, fun, expectation. It's so very strange. I miss him so much. I have been very well behaved....I have not contacted him by email, text, phone or anything. I know he doesn't need it. But it is so hard.

I still do not feel physically well. My weight has gone down another bit (though I am still far from skinny- I must have been huge!). My stomach is either sick or sore all the time. I feel tired about half way through the working day. I am putting it down to stress but I think I may have to go back and see the doc.

Then to add to my woes, Mr Wrong has reappeared. He definitely has radar.

I am going to go out and get out of my head drunk with my friend either tonight or tomorrow night.. It's purely for medicinal purposes..medicinal in the mental health sense.
I am going to raise a glass or five to draw a line under each loss.. to my friend who died, my friend who is dying, Mr Lovely Gentleman and the team that is going to be decimated. Then I am going to get up tomorrow with my mojo intact and fire in my belly and my drive reignited. and of course with a raging hangover and a foul temper. And not morose any more.

Sisters of Mercy and Christian Brothers

2009-05-20T23:06:00.002+01:00

I am angry again today.
A report was published today that was the result of an inquiry into child abuse in 'industrial schools' in Ireland.
The Commission was set the task of investigating the abuse of children who were placed in the care of the state. The kids were placed into care for many many reasons some because they had been involved in petty crime.. mitching school.. that kind of thing. Others were kids who had been neglected.
Many thousands of them were subjected to what the commission described as 'systematic and endemic institutional abuse' at the hands of men and women of religious orders.
They were beaten, sexually abused, raped, tortured, humiliated, isolated from their families.. whatever form of abuse you can imagine was inflicted on children. Kids went into these places at three weeks and never saw the light of day again until they were young adults and for no other reason than they were poor or neglected.
The details that have emerged are shocking even in this age of daily horrors. The stories of these children are beyond belief.
The department of education is implicated because it knew what was going on and covered it up and paid the religious orders to 'look after' these children. they colluded with the institutions. They turned a blind eye to what was staring them in the face. They paid the institutions to 'care' for these kids and never asked where the money was going, never talked to the kids.
The judiciary are implicated because the children were brought before them as 'criminals' and treated as such.. and they never asked any questions.
The 'professionals' in the health service who treated these kids injuries saw nothing and asked no questions. Even many years later, when the kids became adults, they were not believed. The services that they came into contact with abandoned them and blamed them. Social workers, psychiatrists, doctors - all ignored what these people were telling them.
Our society is implicated because for generations, we never believed these kids. we turned a blind eye and allowed it to happen.
I am listening to a woman - Christine Buckley - a victim of this abuse - who tried without success to bring this to light for 20 + years. She was told that she had 'false memory' .
She is an amazing woman. In spite of her experiences of abuse and of being ignored she has persisted in her campaign.

What has made me so angry is that ..even now.. the christian brothers and the sisters of mercy - two of the organisations at the core of this horrific story - have simply sat and apologised without displaying any form of emotion or remorse. They have done exactly the same as the politicians in the UK.. they have expressed their sorrow at being caught.
They should be saying that their predecessors were disgusting and criminal and that they will do everything in their power to make sure that the perpetrators will be brought to justice.
Instead they have provided cover for their people.They allowed these people to continue to 'care' for children. They allowed rapists, abusers, sadists, liars, murderers to hide within their ranks.
They were hostile to the inquiry and placed as many obstacles as they could in the path of the commission. They have not offered to hand over any of the people who subjected these kids to all kinds of abuse.
Christine Buckley does not blame our society. She is saying that the ordinary people did not have a voice. she places the blame with the state and the supposed 'carers'. I think she is being very kind.

I am sick with rage.

The Speaker

2009-05-19T22:06:00.004+01:00

I was just watching the Speaker of the House of Commons resigning.
For the uninitiated, the Daily Telegraph (aka Daily Torygraph - you get the picture?) illicitly obtained the details of the expenses claims of members of the UK parliament.
Not that interesting until you realise that some of these slimy gits were claiming hundreds of thousands of pounds on things like gardening, moats (yes.. MOATS), chandeliers, food.
The expenses system, as I understand it, was to enable MPs to live close to the Commons - an expensive business for anyone,, but particularly for those from more humble backgrounds. The expenses allowed them to have a second home.. at tax payers expense. This meant that they could participate in parliamentary business without having to give up their 'real' homes in their constituencies. So far .. so fair... (sort of)
But for some of our illustrious leaders, fair was never enough. For the lovely Peter and Iris Robinson Robinson .. NI MPs (ohh yes, a dynasty!) .. the greed extended to around £30, 000 worth of FOOD over a four year period. Not bad???
Except when you consider that Mr Robinson is also the First Minister in NI and thus must be spending at least some of his time in NI conducting the business of the NI assembly. So presumably he could not claim for eating during that time. But it gets worse.. the £30000 only covers the food they ate in London! How much do these people eat???????? And as Heat Magazine would say in their coverage of a national scandal.. how do they look so trim??????????????
Other MPs claimed for 'mortgages' that had already been cleared for their second homes. Others bought and 'flipped' second homes at rates that could only be envied by property developers.. all the time pocketting the profits from the sale of the second homes while allowing the tax payers to pay their mortgages.
Others altered their second home details.. enabling them to claim for decorating etc on a house that was their principal home a few weeks previously. At leat one had given the address to the tax people as their principal home and to the expenses committee as their second home.. thus allowing them to maximise expenses, tax allowances and any other form of money making that they could fantasise about.
These people have financial advisers in abundance and for the most part are allegedly well educated people.
And their justification for this? 'I acted within the rules'. This may sound familiar to people who study such things as war crimes tribunals. Alternatively, those of them who had studied war crimes and who thought the 'within the rules' excuse was not a good one.. they had 'errors of judgement' or 'made a mistake'.
And so back to the original point.. The Speaker
Let me say first, I am not entirely sure if I am a fan of his BUT
HE has been forced to resign. The first Speaker to be forced out of office for 300 odd years! Because he 'presided' pver this debacle and is some how responsible for allowing the House to fall into disrepute.
Presumably this means that he forced them all to make bogus and immoral claims for expenses and did not tell them personally that what they were doing was bogus and immoral. Perhaps he scared them into these errors of judgement. Or maybe he induced a mass expenses claiming hysteria.
Not one of the slimy scumbags have taken full responsibility for doing something that any normal human being would regard as scandalous. Not one of them has been sacked. Not one of them has apologised for wrongdoing... only for their 'errors'. They appear to have said that they have done a 'silly little thing' and not a 'bad' thing
How does that become the Speaker's fault?
Could it be, as some people think, that he's a Catholic - the first ever Catholic speaker? Or because he's working class Joe Bloggs and does not really fit in at the club? Could it be because he's a grumpy aul git who did not pull his punches when challenging them and because he embarrassed their sensitive wee souls?
I tend to think that he's a scapegoat.. the easiest target in the Commons. He was just there, wasy to spot and was therefore a good moving target. By forcing him to resign, they are distracting the attention away from their disgusting behaviour.
If there was any justice, each one of those who 'operated within the rules' would be resigning with immediate effect and/ or facing deselection in their constituencies.
I am so angry about this.. there's a hospice here that needs £2 million per year to operate. 13% of this is contributed from the public purse.. every single penny of the remaining 87% is raised by donations.
One of those thieving gits claimed in the region of £250000 in expenses. That would have kept the hospice running for months!

tears and laughter

2009-05-16T20:20:00.002+01:00

My friend died today. As our tradition dictates, we all drifted together to cry.
The Irish tradition of 'waking the dead' is one where people gather, usually in the home of the person who died to pay their respects to the person who died. People come to the home - support the family and each other and to remember their friend, neighbour or family member. Everyone laughs and cries and remembers little things about the person and mourns the loss.
We had our own little version of the traditional wake today. Between tears and hysterical laughter we started to come to terms with the loss of a truly wonderful person. We talked about our memories of being together and about how hard we will find it to manage with such a massive gap in our lives. We talked about the suddenness of the loss of our friend and the surreal way this has all come to pass. We talked about the plans we had.. most of which I couldn't possibly repeat out of respect for her memory.
We always felt that we would grow old together.. talking rubbish, laughing, winning the lottery, pretending we'd won the lottery, crying, supporting each other, dissing each other, fighting with each other. We even imagined that we'd end up in the same old dear's home with purple rinses and crimpelene elasticated trousers.
It's the most brutal thing that has ever happened to me. I should be grateful that at my age I have never experienced such a loss before. It doesn't seem possible at the moment but maybe the gratitude will come to me - to all of us - gradually.

waiting

2009-05-13T20:49:00.004+01:00

When people are ill, there is a lot of waiting. Waiting for waiting for appointments, waiting for results, waiting for news, waiting for phone calls, waiting for letters.
Sometimes the news is good.. people get the all clear and then life begins to return to normal.
Other times the news is bad and then it's back to another round of waiting.. waiting for treatment to start, waiting for more appointments, more results.. just more and more waiting and waiting.

One friend is undergoing chemo now. He started yesterday. The little bits of news I have had suggest that he is in good spirits.

The other friend is still fighting. When the phone rings, we are afraid to answer. If it rings when we are all together, eyes flash around. We know this could be it. If the phone rings when I am alone there is a split second when I try to ignore it.
We want her to be at peace and we don't want to lose her. It seems like some kind of a day dream. None of it is real because it makes no sense at all. How can someone seem so full of life, so strong, so fit and so healthy and then a week later be fighting for every breath. The biggest tragedy is that she never got a chance to fight it and the health staff never got the chance to help her.
Some of our friends were able to visit. They told her that we all love her very much and want her back with us.
Isn't it funny how we never knew just exactly how much she means to us until now. Even funnier that we never realised how important each part of our mad wee group is.
One of many many wake up calls this year so far.
Sieze the day.. be kind and make sure everyone knows how much you love them.... just in case

Fragility

2009-05-10T21:37:00.003+01:00

My friend who just had her cancer confirmed has become rapidly and seriously ill. It seems that she will not recover and that she will pass away fairly soon.
My other friend is starting treatment.
Life is such a fragile thing. In some ways we are so resilient and can survive so many physical and mental challenges. And then there are other times when it can all just collapse so suddenly, without warning. Things that you'd think are almost minor just wipe people out.
In trying to make sense of it all, the only thing that keeps coming back to me is that whatever the fragility of life, there is no point in being afraid to try and live it.
Obviously it is never easy to 'take life by the lapels and say 'let's do it, kid' (Maya Angelou). Sometimes you can't see past the risks and the challenges and the obstacles. But there must be a way to suppress those fears and go for for the things that will make us happy.
I wonder if it is a frame of mind.. is there a way of training your mind to shout down the fear, deal with the risks and find that path?
I saw a wee quote the other day 'Make no little plans. They have no magic to stir men's blood and probably will themselves not be realised'. It's by an architect called Daniel Burnham.
Thats perhaps the trick.. not to have little dreams and plans to have big ones. And then maybe to live life as if there is no possibility that they will not be realised.
Anyway.. I suppose I will be here again tomorrow trying to write it all out of my system.
Keep smiling and stay safe

But.........

2009-05-08T22:59:00.001+01:00

I'll be back to normal tomorrow

Tired

2009-05-08T22:33:00.002+01:00

I feel so tired today.
I am struggling to hold it together in work because I can't get up to speed at a rate that seems reasonable. The hours seem to be longer and longer.. by Wednesday I felt as if I had put in two weeks work... not three days.
I managed to complete the week and do most of what I set out to do for this week.
Just as I get my head above water, another avalanche of crises flies in from my blind side.
My friend who was having tests has had the cancer confirmed. The friend who has terminal cancer is getting tireder by the day.
I have done a fair bit of crying over the past week and I am sore with crying.. sore and tired.
The lessons are coming strong and fast.. live life; enjoy life; get out there; don't sweat the small stuff; all that stuff.
But for today I feel so overwhelmed with it all.
But it is a difficult time for all of us.. in my circle of friends, the news of our friend's cancer has left us distraught.
In work we are stressed to infinity with the consequences of the financial meltdown.
Out in the wider world there is a weighed-down-ness from recession. job losses, money worries... there's a palpable air of gloom and despondency.
And I am sure that in bloggerland, all of you out there feel the effects of this global washout.
And it's on top of all the other 'normal' day to day problems that exist in each of our lives.
I was at a meeting today and one of the speakers said 'choose your attitude'. I understand that. I know I can decide to be happy and positive. But some days it is just so hard.
I would love to be getting a hug from Mr Lovely Gentleman.
That's not going to happen and in a strange way, I am not too hurt by that particular event. Maybe I didn't feel 'it' (whatever 'it'is) as much as I thought. Or perhaps the fact that he was honest and upfront about everything has made things easier to handle. Whatever! I'd still like a hug tonight.

Stop Smoking Day

2009-05-04T19:22:00.001+01:00

I have to give up smoking!
I started again after a long break and now it is really getting to me. I hate the smell of it, the habit of it, the cost of it.. everything about it! So I went to see the stop smoking people and my date for stopping is in a couple of weeks.
In one way I am dreading it but in another way I will be so glad to be back to normal again. Even though I kinda enjoy it, it disgusts me.
So I expect I will be blogging a lot about the stresses and strains of giving up.

NOT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!

2009-05-02T18:54:00.002+01:00

My heart is broken again!
Well .. maybe not broken. Definitely bruised but in the context of all the other things that are going on, I will get over it.
Practicalities among other things got the better of it. Ahhhhhh well.. back to the drawing board

Happy weekend

2009-05-01T20:22:00.002+01:00

Seeing Mr Lovely Gentleman this weekend and I am really looking forward to it. A little bit of music and a little bit of food and a little bit of laughing and who knows what else.
Things in the rest of my life are subdued by the news about my friends' illnesses.
I suppose I am trying to blot out the bad news by refocussing my attention on something positive... not entirely sure of it will be successful but I will give it a good try.
This has been a funny year so far and it's only May.
I have had wake up call after wake up call .. all pointing to that well known adage that 'life is too short'...
It's too short for curtain poles, cleaning, drippy taps, worrying about what other people think, stressing about work, getting exhausted doing things you don't want to do, being afraid to take a chance.
Life is, on the other hand, just the right length to have adventures, take risks, smile, love the people around you and be very silly a lot of the time.
So I am very much looking forward to seeing Mr Lovely Gentleman so that I can get that smile back on my face.

Another day .. another sad face

2009-04-29T20:57:00.002+01:00

I have moaned and whined about being sick to the extent that everyone I know is now crossing the street to avoid me. I'm well now.
I was kind of miraculously cured by the news that 2 people I know are quite ill at the moment. One has cancer which can't be treated. The other reached the point of physical and emotional collapse and is now undergoing tests.. again for cancer.
Their circumstances are very different.. one is a faith filled and practising Catholic, happily married with kids and from a very large, supportive extended family with a very wide circle of close friends and work colleagues.
The other is a militant atheist, single, only child, few living relatives and a small but close circle of friends.
Both work in jobs where they provide support to people.
Both are lovely people.
I feel sick to my stomach thinking about them.. about how, regardless of their different circumstances, they must feel so alone tonight when they turn over in bed alone and ponder what is happening to them.
I don't know whether to pray or cry.

Back again

2009-04-20T17:20:00.000+01:00

I knew there was nothing to worry about!

back to normality

2009-04-20T11:53:00.002+01:00

well.. hopefully today is the day! I have a hospital appointment and if all is well I should be able to persuade the doctor on Wednesday that I am fine to return to work.
I am not getting my hopes too high because I was so stunned last time when I was signed off for another month. I am so nervous that my stomach is doing somersaults, I feel a bit nauseous and I am chain smoking. By the time the appointment comes round I will be vomitting.
Still haven't had the scan but that should be early next week .. I would like the doctor to let me go back to work and then I can book a day's leave to attend the scan appointment.
I notice I am rambling! Can you tell that I am trying to take my mind off what is to come.
I am not exactly sure why I am nervous. I suppose it's because I am not sure what they are looking for. When I go and see the guy today, he will read my notes, update my notes and feel my belly. If more than three sentences pass his lips I will be surprised.
I think that the policy is that they give out information on a 'need to know' basis and I obviously don't need to know. I wonder if it's because they are afraid of being sued if they give me the wrong information?
I have tried asking - simple questions like 'have you found anything?' ' what exactly is it you are looking for?' ' should I be worried?' ' is there anything that i should be doing?' - but all I seem to be able to get from the doctors is a kind and knowing smile. Perhaps they think I am a little mad or a little stupid.
I should add to that last couple of paragraphs that I do have faith in the two doctors that I have seen.. they are very kind, very gentle, and very very nice. They both have a good sense of humour - a major positive trait for my money. Each of them has a lovely bedside manner. I
have no doubts that they know what they are doing because between them they have some of the issues diagnosed within about an hour of first talking to me. They also seem to work extremely well together.. no egos or competitiveness.
I was talking to a friend on line. He is recovering from cancer and is having a tough old time. Everything where he is seems to move with the speed of slow molasses. He is always waiting.. waiting for appointments, waiting for tests, waiting for results, waiting for the all clear. His 'case' has been lost, found, put on the list and placed in the intray. He is constantly worried.
I wonder if doctors realise that people like him are not 'cases' but are people who are churning themselves into madness with the worry associated with waiting. By the time he gets the all clear, he will be a permanent resident in a psychiatric unit from the sheer stress of it all.
He can't even do that thing that I try to do.. 'everything is as it was until someone tells you different'. For me, 'as it was' means that I was healthy and had nothing to worry about. His 'as it was' is a diagnosis of cancer.
Right..... now that i have got that off my chest, I will go and get ready for the hospital.
Hoefully my next pst will include the phrase 'so I will be back at work on Monday'.

and better and better

2009-04-15T16:22:00.002+01:00

Well... there are now most definitely 'romantic complications' between myself and Mr Lovely Gentleman. We have met up a few times now.. gone out, had a drink, watched bands, watched 'football, watched tv, been giddy, got 'romantic'
It is very very unusual for me to be so totally impressed and comfortable with someone. Apart from my usual nagging doubts (which are there no matter how much I try to shout over them), I have no bad gut instincts about him at all. I am not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. On the positive side, it means that I am not overthinking or second guessing everything. (Although.. when I look back at this blog, I do wonder if I have taken to blogging to disguise my overthinking). It means that I am taking everything at face value, 'going with the flow', being 'accepting' of my good fortune in finding such a thoroughly nice person.
On the negative side though, it means that my defences are totally down. That may well prove to be a positive thing.. obviously if my defences are down, there is a risk that I will be hurt. On the other hand, if my defences are down, I have the opportunity to have a VERY nice time for however long it lasts.
I have spent about four weeks now being glad. Glad I met him, glad I wasn't afraid to take the chance to meet him the first night, glad we get on so well, glad he feels the same, glad I will be seeing him again, glad my kids like him, glad I am going to see him again at the weekend. I do love being so smiley.

HAPPY EASTER

2009-04-12T10:39:00.008+01:00

I know that not everyone celebrates Easter but I love it - and probably for all the wrong reasons.

I was raised a Catholic so Easter had a huge significance in my early years. We did the whole thing - pancake Tuesday, Ash Wednesday, Lent (and the giving up of things ) confessions, Masses, communion, Palm Sunday, Good Friday and finally Easter Sunday.

Attending a convent school as I did, the messages associated with each of the 'stages' of Easter was not lost on us. If there was any danger that you'd miss the point of any of it, there were a selection of appropriate punishments to hammer the point home. Literally in some cases.

And if the nuns and priests could not get their point through, I had a very fierce and faith filled granny to take up where they left off.

I think that the story of Easter - whether you believe it as fact or enjoy it as fiction - is very powerful. There are a lot of lessons there - around trust, betrayal, love, forgiveness, pain, loneliness, acceptance, fear, mob mentalities, justice.

I still love Palm Sunday and have even been known to attend Mass. It makes me cry. I don't know why.

But that's not what got me started this morning.

I am in my living room looking out to a beautiful day. The sky is what my kids call a 'Simpson's sky' - blue with a smattering of fluffy clouds.

I can smell spring on the air. Spring smells green.. if you know what I mean.
Birds are twittering. The street is deserted.

We live on a small street - built within the last 7 years. When the street was built, they had the foresight to plant a few trees on the grassy bits. All those trees are bursting into life with sticky buds and tiny fresh leaves. It is a perfect Easter Sunday.

No matter what date Easter Sunday falls on, it feels to me like a day of new starts.

It always falls at the beginning of spring my favourite time of year. It is a time of infinite possiblities... all good ones.

There's a song by Beth Nielson Chapman called 'Sand and Water' - a very sad song about bereavement which contains the lines:

'Flesh and Bone, he's just bursting towards tomorrow
and his laughter fills my world and wears your smile'

It's a beautiful song anyway, but that line 'bursting towards tomorrow' is how we all should be able to live our lives. I know it's not easy - crawling towards tomorrow - or even laid in bed thinking about tomorrow - can sometimes be what seems like an insurmountable challenge.

In my new mode of 'conscious thinking' , I am going to try and make myself 'burst towards tomorrow'. And to help me on my way, there's the chocolate!!!!

Have a brilliant day!

No more

2009-04-09T10:40:00.002+01:00

I am going to take the words of the life coach and repeat them to myself throughout the day.
I am going to ban the nagging doubts.
I am going to banish Nagging Voice who persists no matter how good I think I feel.
In my weirdy imagination, Nagging Voice has a body .. it's a wee thing that sits on my shoulder.. wee beard, shabby eyebrows, pointy features.. he's sometimes shouting and sometimes whispering.. it's always negative.. 'you will never get away with that', 'it's never going to work', that kind of thing.
As of today, I am going to start shouting back at the top of my voice. Ms Life Coach suggests that I use the proven mantra ' SHUT THE F*** UP!!!'
As of today, he will be silenced.
So just ignore the thrust of my last post.
(And maybe when you read this post, could you try to overcome the impression that I have created of a slightly (!) mad woman sitting in a darkened room shouting at the invisible man on her shoulder)

:-)

2009-04-08T20:40:00.002+01:00

Another brilliant night with Mr Lovely Gentleman. Went out, had a really good time, still feel really cosy with him, left with a big smile on my face!
I can honestly say that I have not had such a good time with a man for a long long time... if ever!
Why do the nagging doubts start creeping in?

throw caution to the wind

2009-04-06T18:26:00.003+01:00

My mojo is definitely making a return. I have had the most brilliant weekend.

After the brilliant gig on Friday night, I had a day of wandering round shops with my friend. Whn I got home spent a short while talking to Mr Lovely Gentleman. He invited me to his place yesterday and I decided to throw caution to the wind and go.

We had a brilliant day. I spent the day there and we did little but had a really nice time. He's just so nice. He's not on the slow simmer any more!

I am, by nature, a worrier and normally waste a lot of time second guessing, reading between the lines, wondering 'what does he mean by x' or 'why did he say that?'. I am making a really conscious effort to take everything at face value and to just go with the flow of things. I am having such a good time with him. He is so comfortable to be around and interestingly he said just the same about how he feels.

I am trying hard not to get carried away but it's hard. I know it's very early days and I know that I am very vulnerable to getting hurt - especially because I am still not as healthy as I should be.

I am enjoying every minute of fun!

The day after the night before

2009-04-04T19:05:00.002+01:00

Had a fantastic night last night. Did the jumpy up and down thing.. had a few drinks.. met loads of old friends. The music was, as usual, second to none.
My only criticism is that it didn't last long enough. I could have listened to them all night. They played almost all of the tunes from our youth and a few - equally good - new tunes.
Even though these guys are as old as me and have been playing their music for 30 years +, they put an impressive level of energy and enthusiasm into their performance. They are as exciting now as they were when I heard them for the first time 30 years ago.
Last night was the 30th anniversary of the first time many of us had met. We had all been at the same gig in the same venue, 30 years ago. It was like an old school reunion.
My daughter's friends were extremely impressed and jealous that I had been up to the gig last night. I have acquired additional kudos and street credibility -something which I must say was seriously lacking until today. I am officially 'down wit the kids' (hahaha.. never a good look in a woman of my mature years)
Also had an exchange of texts with Mr Lovely Gentleman.
I am looking forward to seeing him on Tuesday.

Today

2009-04-03T10:48:00.002+01:00

Oooooooooooooohhhh..... today's the day.. heading off tonight to see my favourite band. I am so very excited that I cannot sit still. I have... as my very good friend says... 'bees in my bum'!
And things seem to have taken a turn to the positive.. ex is picking No 2 up after all tonight.
Mr Lovely Gentleman is still a lovely gentleman. We had a nice online yarn last night...loads of giggles...very mad conversations. I went to bed with a smile on my face again. Got up this morning and it was still there.
I am so looking forward to Tuesday.

Be Do Have

2009-04-02T11:42:00.003+01:00

I just wanted to put this in again because i want to remember the flow of it. I blogged it before in My mojo but i want to be able to refer to it again soon

Be what you want to be
Do the things that make thie thing you want to be
Have the things you wanted

Not very good at nice things

2009-04-02T11:22:00.002+01:00

I just noticed.. I didn't even last a day with the saying nice things
Sooo.... I will try again
Had a nice text from Lovely Gentleman last night. Nothing spectacular .. just a compliment. I was shocked and it brought a smile to my face which remains there this morning. Instead of making a sarcastic comment back, I thanked him and said something nice back.
This is a whole new experience for me - talking to someone who is nice all the time. I think it is something I could get used to. The sarky cynical me is not one that I am proud of but it's the one that seems to get the most attention. I should now start cultivating the nice, gentle, happy person that I want to be.
As I think about it now, I have never heard him say anything mean or nasty to or about anyone. He's not cynical or morose in the slightest. Mmmmmmmmmmmm.. that's nice

2009-04-01T14:14:00.002+01:00

No 1 has put in an appearance again. I am sure he has some kind of radar! When he gets the signal that I have other plans.. he appears. DEFINITELY Mr Wrong!
And while we are on the subject of Mr Wrong.. Lovely Ex also has radar.. not once in the years that we have been apart have I arranged to have a weekend .. a whole weekend.. of entertainment I am usually reluctant to even arrange a night out without waiting til the last minute just in case he screws it up for me.
A month ago I bought tickets to see my favourite jumpy up and down band. Then day before yesterday I told Lovely Gentleman that I was free at the weekend. Now he has told me that he is free at the weekend too. Oooooohh I thought.. what an opportunity!!!!
And what happens.. you guessed it.. Lovely Ex thought it would be a good idea to 'let' me have my child for a weekend because I might want to do the whole quality time thing. This would be the same child that lives with me!!!! When I told him that I had plans for this weekend, he advised me that actually he also had plans for the weekend and he couldn't pick No 2 up! He has compromised in the sense that he'll pick him up on Saturday ... but it will be too late for me to take advantage of the plans I had made.
Bad enough that I am changing my arrangements .. again. Really really irritates me that he was trying to pass it off as a favour to me!
So now Mr Lovely Gentleman will have to get back on the slow simmer again while I tend to my responsibilities.

Better and better

2009-04-01T10:17:00.003+01:00

Because I am always moaning, I thought I would have another day of writing something nice.

Had a short night out last night which culminated in meeting himself for a drink. No 1 child was with me. They got on well... although I should say that I have said that me and him are friends and no more.

I went to bed with a smile on my face and I have a smile on my face still.

I still don't know if we're going to be anything more than drinking buddies but he is so much fun to be with. I feel as if the doors have been opened and I am allowed to run outside in the fresh air.

So far there have been no 'romantic complications' and maybe .. perhaps.. that's why he's so refreshing. He is very comfortable to be around.. I feel I can be myself... he's broadly on the same planet as me (and I will be honest - as I am occasionally (!) a bit odd - that is quite an achievement).... we share a lot of the same interests..we have enough different interests... we both have 'baggage' ...we both need someone to go to the pub with.

We are getting together again next week so hopefully I will be back after that saying nice things again.

countdown

2009-03-29T14:01:00.002+01:00

I am on the countdown to the 'women of a certain age' night out .. it's on friday night! Ohhhhhhhhh I am soooooo excited.
I am wondering if it is appropriate for a woman of my mature years to feel so overexcited about going to stand in a dark room, getting drunk (hopefully) , listening to very loud music and bouncing up and down.
I take comfort from the fact that the band members are older than me. AND, as we used to be 'the wee young ones' in the audience, a fair proportion of the rest of the crowd will be in just the same unfortunate state that I'll be in.
Anyway, I don't much care how old I am.. I am going to have a great night!

result

2009-03-28T23:17:00.002Z

Without going into too much detail, I met up with one of the people i have been talking to online. We have had one really good night out, one really good morning out and one really good afternoon out.
No snogging or anything like that (YET :-)) Couple of pecks on the cheeks
I am majorly impressed.. not really sure if the word 'majorly' really exists but it says what I want to say.
Anyway, after these few days out, we seem to have reached an 'understanding' .. we want to go on doing it and we're trying to arrange times to get together. It is so relaxed and stressless
He's a total gentleman.. opens doors, carries bags, very polite, tries to pay for everything
He is not at all pushy...
He is very very clever and funny...
We like the same music and books and films...
He is almost as mad as I am...
He can talk all kinds of rubbish and a lot of sensible stuff...
He has kids
In fact, cannot work out why he is single.. and I am not really that bothered.
It is very very exciting!!!! Heee Heeee Heeee
I wanted to write this down so that I can go back and look at it in the future. It is so nice to feel so thoroughly besotted!

Silence

2009-03-11T12:30:00.002Z

You may be aware that the psychos are back in town! Over the past few days, two soldiers in their 20's and one policeman have been shot by 'dissident republics'. In the first incident, four other people were injured.. two of them pizza delivery workers.
In the second incident a policemen attending an emergency call was shot and killed Before he left the house in the morning, he hugeed his wife and she told him to be careful. His last words to her were... 'don't worry. I'll be grand. They can't get me'.
I feel sick at the thought that this carnage is back in our lives and I feel angry that these people represent themselves as the saviours of the Irish people and the successors of those who gave us the 1916 proclamation.
I am I suppose a nationalist. I would love to see a United Ireland. But I want to see an Ireland that is created and governed by the people and for the people (what can I say.. I am an aul' leftie). What would be the point in having a 'United' Ireland founded on the blood of everyone who disagrees with us. It's the kind of 'United' country that Hitler and his pals presided over.
I don't have a lot of faith in the political process as it exists but thanks to the presence of people like Eamon Mc Cann ... who provides analysis and proper criticim of the process, it's a process that I can accept until we can change the world. Noone.. especially someone who has no face and no strategy and no support.. has the right to step over a process that is supported (though complaied about) by the vast majority of Irish people.
I think if you have a problem with the political process, get out there and change it. Persuade people.. state your case publicly.. engage in debate.. even with your enemies. There is no place in the world for hiding behind anonymous press statements... or for executing dissenters.. that's what we comlined about the Brits for!! We cannot be the same.
The police have arrested 2 people for killing the policeman. One of them is 17.
17???? a year older than my child.
Someone took him to one side, (maybe)persuaded him that they had a reasonable argument and (maybe)he was sufficiently convinced. He (maybe) was able to get involved in shooting a man in the head. 17????
The Irish Congress of Trade Unions have organised silent protests in towns across Ireland. I can't attend so I am writing this instead.
I want to say out loud that this murder is not in my name. I am disgusted by the killings.. I am angry that these people are doing it for a cause that is to my mind right.
I won't be ashamed to be Irish.. these people do not represent me or other Irish people. They are bullies and they have no place in Ireland

All clear!!!!!!

2009-03-10T01:22:00.000Z

All clear and that is all I have to say on the subject!

throwing caution to the wind

2009-03-09T13:30:00.002Z

I forgot..
Something really funny happened to me this morning. As part of my plan for getting out of my comfort zone, I have dug out a skirt. I am not a skirty woman and haven't worn one for more years than I care to put a number on.
Anyway..
I have worn the skirt in the house - testing my resolve and making sure that I can actually do this thing.
This morning I ventured out on the school run.. displaying my legs for the world to see. I thought this would be an easy trip because none of the people at the school know me particularly well.
So there I was.. skirt.. thick tights.. forgetting that I was out of my comfort zone! One of the mammies passed me in the street.. her face lit up with a really bright smile.. and she said.. 'No trousers!!!'
That was it..
My son and I laughed all the way to school..the whole town must've been on tenterhooks for many a year waiting for me to prove that I actually have legs!!
God knows what the ones in work will make of it when I finally take the plunge and wear a skirt to work! We'll probably have a new Bank Holiday in honour of my legs!!

better plan than the last one

2009-03-09T13:21:00.003Z

Doc decided I was not fit to return to work.. i suppose if i am honest, I would tend to agree. I am going mad though!
My iron count is going back up a bit its now at about 70% of what it should be instead of the 60 - something % it was at the start.
My weight has dropped a tiny bit and the smear results apparently are nothing to worry about. (easier said than done I might add!)
Back at the hospital today for the results of the many tests they did in January. I would have to admit that I am writing here bacuse my stomach is in knots worrying about the results. I am reassuring myself that all is well because they'd have had me back sooner if there was anything to worry about. Can't quite believe myself though - I am a worrier and it's the best excuse I have had for worrying in a while. I think until all the checks are categorically clear.. I will be making myself ill thinking about the possibilities.

On a considerably more positive note I had a loud long and raucous night out at the weekend. I met and talked rubbish to a whole new crowd of people and saw some very good live music. It was heavy metal - not my normal music of choice - but I had a ball. Drank faaaaaaaaar too much, stayed up chatting in a hotel room til dawn was breaking and snuck home on the bus at 11am.
It was BRILLIANT!
I should be doing that more often.
Myself and another one of the Women of A Certain Age are planning a jaunt to see one of our favourite bands in a few weeks. I am now really really looking forward to it. It will involve staying over in a sea side town, drinking beer and watching a band. What more can a woman ask for/
Anyway gotta go and see the hospital people.. fingers crossed everyone!!

End of being ill? (This is me moaning.. sorry)

2009-03-05T20:14:00.004Z

Well .. back at the doc's tomorrow.. hopefully for the last time before I return to work. I feel loads better but I still have bad days.

If I do anything that might be a bit active, it floors me. I can't stay awake in the evening. On the two occasions that I escaped the routine and went out to socialise, I was ready for sleeping after a few hours.

I am still struggling with food..I have drastically cut down on loads of things that I love.. bread, chocolate, fried things, cider, cheese, butter, the list seems endless. But every day seems to bring something new that disagrees with my lovely ulcer. I make a point of eating proper meals but because all the nice stuff has been taken out of them it's difficult to think of something to eat. There's only so many things you can do with fruit salad and natural yoghurt.

On the positive side, my weight has dropped quite a bit. Would recommend WeightWatchers or Slimmers Worlds rather than a stomach ulcer but hey.. if you're as disciplined as I am, stomach ulcer is the way to go!!!

Today I got the smear test results .. a leaflet and a letter telling me that the smear was 'abnormal' and inviting me back for another smear in six months. The leaflet tells me that this means that there are 'low grade changes' which may well correct themselves and that the test in six months is precautionary.

Number 1 and Number 2

2009-03-02T11:57:00.003Z

Ha ha ha.. just when I thought it was safe to back in the water, they get back in touch. I have noticed though that my reaction to their contact is much more relaxed. I am in a kind of 'take it or leave it' frame of mind.

With number 2 I am definitely thinking 'leave it' - he really doesn't do it for me at all. When I read his texts and emails, after the inital niceness of hearing that he's in good form and all is well with the world, I have no interest in hearing any more. I do owe him something because he pushed me out of my comfort zone in some ways BUT I am not really that grateful to him that want to hook up with him too regularly.

Number 1, on the other hand still gives me a wee buzz. I can't understand it. He is so much not the kind of man that should do anything for me at all. In her blog, Ellen describes her experience with 'Mr Wrong'.. Number 1 is without doubt Wrong!

But, for some reason, he brings out the wild woman in me! And I quite like her. She's the woman who I was before I became staid.

He's maybe a bit like an addiction. Maybe it's because he was the one that lit the fuse and that memory is still with me.

Women of a Certain Age - The Dating Blog

2009-02-23T15:59:00.002Z

I am going to put all my dating adventures in a new separate blog...
Women of a Certain Age Dating Blog.
I realise, thanks to Ellen, that I am not on my own.. there are many women who are negotiating the world of dating after a spell of enforced or voluntary singleness. And as far as I can see we experience the same or similar highs and lows. (Way too many lows I think)
Given that I don't seem to have the time to brush my teeth in the morning, I don't know when I am going to do this. The concept is shaping up nicely though.
I am frustrated and fed up with the dating advice books, the advice on websites, the knowing smiles from concerned friends and the ever decreasing circle of dating opportunities.. so I will be able to post all my rants and all my raves in a separate and dedicated space.
I won't have to look at it if i don't want to. And it might encourage me to seek out new ways for finding The One .. or a few of The Ones.
All that rubbish that is written essentially amounts to 'Be Yourself but Change Your Life'. I don't really want to change my life. It has taken me a long time to get it into a shape that I can live with myself.
So it will be the diary of a one woman dating machine. All ranting and raving and as little deep and meaningful analysis as I can get away with. So no overthinking.
I will have a timedelay section for when I want to write a foul and abusive tirade (which I will guess now will all involve Number 1)(or maybe Number 2) I can write it and then review it a minimum of 7 days later when the dust has settled and the rage subsided. I'll probably keep it in the draft section for future publication if they wind me up again..
I will get to this as soon as I can write a coherent sentence.
Looking at this post it may be some time!!
Ellen's blog is great .. her experiences are so similar to my own that one post in particular could have been written by me. I would like to thank her for making me realise it's not us.. it's them! Maybe it is us as well.. but that won't make me feel any better.
Hey .. maybe they have the same rollercoaster as I do!
Maybe we could be a Hollywood movie -- Hollywood County Down maybe :-(

back to the drawing board :-)

2009-02-16T13:13:00.004Z

Well.. had a good night on the tiles BUT we'll not be doing it again. 'not ready for a relationship' - which I think translated from manspeak is ' you're not my type'. Nothing worse than being 'let down gently' by a patronising line like that!!

It's ok though because I enjoyed going out, we definitely had a laugh and if I was being truthful, I sort of feel the same about the 'you're not my type' thing.

I think I am getting a bit less stressed about the whole 'dating' thing. There is something to be said for having a casual 'meet' .

If I can get over the nagging self doubts and the continual self criticism, I could get used to it and take it for the fun that it is.

I suppose the big mission would be to have a clear view at the outset about what I expect to gain or learn from doing all this. I suppose the number one lesson is not to take myself so seriously and just go with the flow so to speak. The very wise author of the blog Chunks of Reality commented on a previous post about my 'dating' adventures. She said I should view these as 'outings'. It was wise advice at the time and i think my attitude is beginning to come round to that way of approaching this aspect of my not very social life.

Ahhhhhhh!

2009-02-13T12:49:00.002Z

Sweaty palms.. tummy turning cartwheels... can't sit still.. can't concentrate on anything....
Why am I doing this to myself?
24 hours and a 2 hour bus journey to go and I am a nervous wreck! What will I be like tomorrow.
On the positive side, he says he feels the same!
Hints for staying chilled and appearing unflustered will be gratefully recieved!

Big Date

2009-02-11T17:45:00.005Z

I have realised that Saturday is Valentines Day.. not entirely sure about the wisdom of arranging a first date with a total stranger on Valentines Day.
However, in the context of the health scare that I got last week, I am not going to let myself back out.
Not that I want to..
Still chatting to him.. usually throughout the day. I have giggled and smiled a lot and feel really positive about meeting him. Obviously I am as nervous as hell but it wouldn't be me if I wasn't nearly throwing up with nerves.
I haven't told anyone about this liaison. ..I am afraid of jinxing it before I ever meet him. How stupid is that!

Once bitten.. Twice.. bitten.. three times..?

2009-02-08T21:33:00.002Z

Ok.. I am a glutton for punishment. I have a 'date' next Saturday. Again with a total stranger!! I am beginning to think I am mad.
I was looking on a website for stuff for work and strayed into the dating ads and found one that intrigued me because it was (allegedly) written by his (female) friend. Anyhow.. I emailed to ask what the result was and me and he have been in contact by text and email. So far so good.
He really has my attention! To the extent that he has my proper name and my phone number. That's a real first for me. He seems very chilled and not at all intense.
The funny thing is that now No 1 guy and No 2 guy have been in touch since I first started chatting to this one. I'll never get men even if I live to be an old old woman!
I think that I am getting more confortable with the whole thing of talking to strangers outside the normal datng thing.. I don't have as many expectations as I did the first time and I am learning that there's no point in trying to 'impress'.. if they don't like me the way I am then tough!
I am also getting more discerning.. I only really want to be bothered if there's no pressure and no expectations. I have learned that a LOT of guys who are dating online are not looking for the same things as me. Strangely this isn't a criticism of the men.. it's self criticism. I have been hoping that I can either make myself want the same things as them.. or that they'll want the same things as me. That ain't the basis for a lasting relationship.
I am not expeccting to find 'the one' - but neither do I want to be a f*** buddy for someone who doesn't really give a toss about me as a person. I am happy to have a bit of 'fun' but not at the expense of my own sanity.
This has been a real learning curve.
The funnny thing is that I have no 1 to thank fo all this.. he taught me more than he will ever know about being clear about what I want and asking for it. I genuinely hope that we'll find a way of being good friends.. but I am not too hopeful!

Letter to Men (Beware: Rant In Progress)

2009-02-04T02:23:00.006Z

Dear men,

For one reason or another, I have been talking to a lot of you recently. It has been a bit of a culture shock. I have had men best friends over the years. We have shared everything .. houses, clothes, beds. cigs, secrets. I have listened while you tell me about what you want from life, women and the universe. But I have made a life changing discovery - we don't talk the same language.

Now.. I know there have been a lot of books written on the subject of male/ female differences but they never really hit the spot when it comes to deciphering what it is you really want. And I hear a lot about how difficult it is for men to understand women. I get all that. But men... as far as 'relationships' are concerned... well -one of God's great mysteries.
So I am going to ask you .. straight out.. what is it with you guys??????

I'm a simple woman.. usual amount of baggage (mostly connected with some of your comrades), don't need someone to sweep me off my feet, don't need or want to be joined at the hip, don't need anything really.
I want someone who can share things with... bit of food, cinema, chat, fun, experiences, some of the future, a bed occasionally, a few sins of the flesh, even the sad bad days when we need a bit of a cuddle.... that kind of thing.

I don't expect to meet someone and do the whole 'love at first sight' thing. I don't expect to embark on a lifetime commitment. I don't expect to trust you and then have you decide that you don't really want to be trusted after all. I don't expect to be cast aside without a word and then picked up again at a time of your choosing.

I want someone who is honest about how they feel.... even when I don't really want to hear it. I want someone who doesn't see 'relationship' as synonymous with 'ball and chain'. I want someone who can at least look a month into the future and make a plan.

I know it's not just me. In our tea and buns therapy sessions in work (all the girls at the tea break), we try to untangle the mess that is mens minds. And I listen to the men I work with laying bare their souls... so I know that you don't find this easy.

But could you just not agree to tell us what you want. Life would be so much simpler. And if I tell you what I want, could you not just agree to use that as an opening to tell me that you want the same thing.. or that you don't! Then we could reach some kind of mutually acceptable arrangement. If 'things aren't working out' .. just say that. Don't hang about and make a drama so that you can pass the buck to me.

And another thing.....

Maybe I am looking in the wrong places, but I seem to be able to find guys who can talk for Ireland until I start to think 'this is the kind of man that I could have a laugh with' and then.. as if by magic, he turns into Mr Horny Man who loses the power of speech and is entirely consumed by entertaining that little dangly bit between his legs.

Now don't get me wrong..I am no prude! Obviously, as a fully grown woman, I think about men's dangly bits an odd time. Well .. more than an odd time maybe.

But holy lord above.. is that it???? Is that all I have to look forward to?

Is that all you want from a woman? Because if there's nothing more to it.. I am sunk and will have to live my life as a nun!

So I am pleading.. tell me.. what do men want? (apart from the obvious!)

Funny Old Week

2009-02-01T00:44:00.004Z

Oh yes..it has been a funny one..in the funny/peculiar sense.
I have been feeling a bit ropey since before Christmas. .. put it down to the flu plague that stalked our office.
About two weeks ago, after phoning in sick again, I decided to give up pretending that all was well and made an appointment to see the GP. This is a big deal..I haven't seen a doctor since my Lovely Son was born nearly 10 years ago.
So appeared on schedule in front of the all knowing eye of the doc...described the symptoms and waited for a diagnosis. She asked questions..and finally arrived at a diagnosis of a stomach ulcer... and then asked more and more questions.
Before I knew it, I had been weighed, measured, poked and prodded and bloods taken. Then sent for a smear! I was evicted eventually from the surgery with no dignity left, a collection of sample bottles, a prescription and an instruction to return the following week.
I left the surgery in a bit of a fluster..I knew from the questions that she asked and the nature of the exams, that she was testing me for bowel cancer. Something of a shock to the system.
When I had walked the five minutes home, I had decided that nothing had changed and nothing would change. I did contact work to tell my boss what was happening and that, given the nature of the sample collection and the new tabs, it was unlikely that I would be in work for the rest of the week. My boss, to his credit, was brilliant!
As scheduled, at the beginning of this week I revisited the doc.
As soon as I came through the door, she told me that she had got my blood test results back the previous day and was going to phone me to get me in immediately, but when she realised that I had an appointment, she decided against it. She had decided that I was going into hospital .. immediately.. do not pass go, do not collect £200!
My blood tests indicated that I was quite seriously anaemic. She was worried that this indicated a bleed of some kind.
My heart sank to my boots and I felt like vomitting. I told her that it wouldn't be easy to arrange and that I had no pyjamas. She gave me til 2pm (by now it was 11.45) to do the organising.
I cheated a bit and went to pick the kids up from school at 3 and then set my course for the a+e department.
To cut a very long story short, and to save you the discomfort of hearing the details of the exams, about 6 hours after I first arrived, the a+e doc introduced me to the surgeon who would be dealing with me.
He reiterated the GPs opinion that the iron count was too low for them to let me out of the hospital. He also repeated the GPs assessment that bowel cancer could be the issue.
I had been so convinced that the GP was simply making a precautionary referral, that i had arrived at the hospital with exactly 1 pair of pjs and a newspaper! No tooth brush, no change of clothes.. not a thing!
They found me a bed and for the next 8 hours, I was woken every hour or so by the sound .. or feeling.. of someone staring at me and at one point with a nurse hooking me up to a saline drip.
In the morning, the head surgeon, the 2 docs I had seen in a+e and a posse of student doctors swept around my bed and explained that they were going to do a colonoscopy and a something else oscopy. The head surgeon talked around me which was a bit weird!
When my mum arrived with change of clothes etc, I told her I had to get out for a breath of fresh air. The nurse jokingly said 'you're not to be going out' so I ignored her and went anyway.
I had a lovely stand in the fresh air for about 5 minutes (and a quick smoke :-)) and then on my way back in, began to feel a bit weird. A very nice auxiliary brought me a wheelchair and said she'd take me back up to the ward. The next thing I recall, is coming round, in said wheelchair. The auxiliary had mysteriously morphed into a male porter.
I was advised by the head nurse (after a telling off about going out) that I was fasting.. nil by mouth.. until the procedures were over. By that time, and for the first time in weeks, I was ready to pass out with hunger so I was not too thrilled.
By 3pm, I was full of sedative and talking rubbish to the surgeons.. apparently I was great entertainment altogether! Thankfully, I remember not a thing.
I was fed at 5pm .. ham, cheese sauce, a scoop of spud and a spoonful of cabbage and turnip followed by fruit and jelly stuff. I am a veggie!
I was still high as a kite when the kids came to visit and talking gibberish like a professional. Lovely Daughter suggested that it was only a tiny bit different from the usual me!
In the evening, my own wee surgeon came up to tell me that the exams didn't seem to show any thing but I'd have to return to their clinic in about 2 weeks for the results of the biopsy (what biopsy? I think I was more sedated than I thought!)
They were also going to send me for an ultrasound the following day and refer me to the gynaecologist .. just to rule out anything in the women's bits department.
The gynae doc visited me later that evening and told me what was to happen the following day. He also told me (because I asked) that he hated gynaecology and would prefer any other aspect of medicine. Mmmmm, I thought.. stop asking questions. He then blinded me with science and told me what he intended to do to me. I remember about 10% of that!
At 7am the following morning, head surgeon and his posse returned. I mentioned to him that it was 7am and asked if they never slept. 'We've been in surgery since 4am' he cheerily replied.
This does not inspire confidence but they all looked very well for sleep deprived zombies, so I said nothing.
The big news was that I would be fasting..again! day 3!
In the early afternoon, I was dispatched with a very full bladder to the ultra sound department. During her perusal around my belly, the very nice woman saw something she didn't like and called for a second opinion. This led them down the path of an internal scan.. thankfully a scan that involved an empty bladder... but not very pleasant nonetheless!
Back to the ward in time for tea and my fasting was finished. Beef this time, with loads of meaty gravy, and a few spoonfuls of veg. More jelly! Even the cups of tea were rationed. I figured I'd die of starvation before the anaemia got me!
Then it was a waiting game. It was Thursday. I had pleaded with them to let me out by Friday because I had a night of drinking and debauchery planned. I am sure they believed that I have a serious alcohol problem.. even though I had explained that it was my first night out for over a month.
By 6pm, I was frantic.. no news!
Then about 6.30, a very nice intern arrived to tell me that the exams were all clear apart from the ulcer. He prescribed a cocktail of medication and said I could go. I was dressed and standing at the door within about 3 minutes.
Home with the kids that night was a luxury. The kids stayed off school the next day because they were as knackered as I was. I slobbed about the house, full of tablets (20 per day) and was having a lovely time. The the phone rang.. the hospital looking for me.
The very nice nurse advised me that I will be returning to the day surgery unit for another procedure! Again, I don't remember a thing about what will be happening EXCEPT that I will be sedated again. I am wondering if this procedure is necessary or if my performance under sedation was so entertaining that all the departments want a ticket!
So here I am.. shell shocked.. heading for the gp again on Monday, heading for another procedure next week, another trip to the surgical consultant the following week and sick and rattling from the tablets..
I am trying to work out what the lesson is.
Should I have had more regular trips to the doctor or should I have never darkened the door at all?

End of the season

2009-01-07T00:18:00.002Z

Took the Christmas tree down tonight. It's the worst job of the year. I loved the lights twinkling at me late at night when I had the room to myself. I loved the daily reminder of the kids on Christmas morning. I loved the way the tree filled the space in the window with sparkly warmth.
I don't so much like the significance of the end of the season and the start of a new year back at the grindstone.
BUT I am thankful that I am working at job that I like, that we had a lovely break and that I am still surrounded by the people and the things that I love.

Gaza New Year celebration

2009-01-01T13:54:00.004Z

I never asked in my post yesterday.. I have heard the 'reason' that Israel has launched the attack on Gaza. What I want to know is why do they think that the 'offensive' is going to achieve the stated objective?

I hear that they are trying to stop the Hamas rocket attacks against Israel. I can understand that up to a point. Noone after all wants to have rockets directed at their country and every person would do everything in their power to stop it from happening.

I don't necessarily agree with it.. the whole issue is much more complicated than that. Hamas would quite rightly say that the Palestinian people in Gaza have been living in a state of seige for too long. There is no sign of the blockade ending, no sign of discussion about the occupation. This does not mean that I agree with the actions of Hamas but that's a whole other story.

The question is: will the brutal and sustained onslaught against Gaza achieve the stated objective?

Does anyone in Israel really believe that launching such an assault - on a smaller and more vulnerable neighbour - is going to put an end to rocket attacks? Does anyone in Israel believe that Hamas is under threat from these attacks?

Think about it..

there's a saying here ' if you hit one of them, you have to hit them all'. It means that if you choose to attack an individual from a particular family/village/town.. then that is regarded as an attack on the whole community. And you should then expect the whole community to come after you.. regardless of the rights and wrongs of the original attack. There is no room for discussion about the origins of the conflict.. it's all about who's the biggest/ hardest/ most determined.

The other side of the coin is that as the assault continues, the neighbours, friends and family of the community under attack comes to see the attack as a personal attack on them. The community under attack becomes more angry and more organised and waits for their chance to avenge the attack. They use every means at their disposal. The conflict grows.

Whatever way you look at it, Israel has attacked their neighbours without mercy. The blockade, the attacks on other regions and now the attacks on Gaza - all the same offensive.

Going back to the stated objective - The Guardian yesterday (p1 Rory McCarthy and Ian Black) quoted Binyamin Ben-Eliezer as saying 'Hamas has not suffered enough damage in the recent attacks'. The Welfare Minister, Isaac Herzog, says that they may allow a humanitarian truce. Doesn't seem to be a lot of point in allowing medicine in and then starting to kill again. And there's an aid boat currently being attacked by the Israelis (see Socialist Environmental Alliance website)

If the objective is to inflict damage Israel have lost.

Christmas..Gaza

2008-12-31T14:17:00.002Z

I have had a lovely Christmas for the most part. The kids are happy with their presents and, apart from one or two minor hiccoughs, the season has been stress free and without incident.
By the time I return to work, I will have had nearly two weeks off - not so much a break, said my lovely friend, as a sabbatical (hahaha.. you are not funny Michael). I have even had the occasional hangover and I have been promised one more before it's back to the grindstone. I am relaxed, chilled and nearly at peace with the world. I have not worried about bills, work, relationships anything because I decided that that's what I will do in 2009. I know that I am lucky.. I know that out there, people are worrying about their day to day lives in a way that I will hopefully never have to worry about. We are generally a healthy and reasonably happy family.
One issue that has disturbed my peace of mind during the season of 'goodwill and peace to all men' is the continuing crisis in Gaza. It is haunting me day and night. I couldn't go the the Derry Anti War Coalition Protest in Derry today because I have only just found out about it and it's too late.
To make up for it I will quote a passage from todays Guardian , page one, written by Hazem Balousha and Rory Mc Carthy. You can read more at Guardian Online
(I apologise to the writers if I have misquoted - I am a bit of a technophobe so I can't just scan it in!)

'Israeli air strike kills five daughters from one family as Gaza death toll passes 300'
"I didn't see any of my girls, just a pile of bricks"
'The family house was small: three bedrooms, a tiny kitchen and bathroom, bilut of poor-quality concrete bricks with a corrugated asbestos roof, in block for of the Jabaliya refugee camp in northern Gaza. There are hundreds of similar homes crammed into the narrow streets, filled with some of the poorest and most vulnerable families in the overcrowded Gaza strip. But it was this house, where Anwar and Samira Balousha lived with their nine young children, that had the misfortune to be built next to what became late on Sunday night another target in Israel's devastating bobing campaign of Gaza.
The Israeli bomb struck the refugee camp's Amad Aquil mosque around midnight, destroying the building and collapsing several shops and a pharmacy nearby. The force of the blast was so massive that it also brought down the Balousha's house, which yesterday lay in ruins. The seven eldest girls were asleep together on mattresses in one bedroom and they bore the brunt of the explosion. Five were killed where they lay: Tahrir, 17, Ikram, 15, Samer, 13, Dina, eight and Jawahar, four.' (From the Guardian 31/12/08)
I only yesterday found out the scale of what is happening in Gaza and the scale is important. Gaza is apparently around the size of a county in Ireland and there are 1.5 million people crammed into this tiny space. I understand that 70% of the people living in the area are refugees from conflict elsewere in the region. They are for the most part poor and vulnerable and living in extremely poor conditions. Since Saturday, nearly 400 Palestinian people have been killed and thousands have been injured. The medical services in the area cannot cope with the numbers ..they don't have the space, the medics, the medicines. And because of the border closures, the injured cannot go elsewhere.
I don't care what the Israeli government says. There is no moral, political or other justification for this. There is no excuse. There is no acceptable strategic argument. It is wrong by any standard.
Can you imagine being the mammy of 9 children - one only 12 days old - in bed a midnight, listening to the drone of Israeli planes overhead, hearing the bombs crashing all around you? Can you imagine the feeling when you realise how close they are? Can you feel what it must be like when your house starts falling down around you.. the noise, the rubble, the choking overwhelming dust?
Then you can hear your children, screaming and crying, begging you to come to them, terrified, terrorised.
And then when you realise that 5 of your daughters are missing in the rubble.
And then you find them all, not moving, not breathing. Maybe their beautiful faces are untouched and maybe they are just sleeping.
And then the full crushing realisation that all that beauty and love and joy has been extinguished because you and your family are being punished for something that you can do nothing about.

Happy Christmas

2008-12-25T02:20:00.002Z

I know that not everyone celebrates Christmas but I hope that anyone reading this takes it in the spirit in which it is offered. I wish you all a happy and peaceful 2009.

De Mousio

2008-12-21T01:22:00.004Z

I forgot to tell you about De Mousio.
One fine evening, I had one of those moments. I made the decision to entertain a gentleman caller. It was a nervewracking experience.We hadn't spent time alone at this stage although we'd been talking for a while.
I arranged to have an empty house and invited the aforementioned gentleman over.
One of my nervous habits is to smoke when I am having a drink. Before my date arrived, I had enjoyed a small glass of cider and about 40 cigarettes. (yes I know it's not good for me - Iwas exaggerating for the sake of effect.)
So while I was sitting at the back door of the house, He came to the front door. I reviewed my options, thought it unwise to switchoff the lights and music and pretend not to be home, and went to answer his knock, forgetting to close the back door.
It was at this point that I think the drama began to unfold.
We settled into chatting, listening to some tunes and having another glass of cider. He then uttered the immortal words 'Awww, you have a wee mouse'.
I followed his gaze and saw this beast looking back at me from behind the books.
All decorum went to the wall. I sat up straight, wrapped my arms round my legs in case said monster had a yen to tun up the leg of my trousers (I know..I know.. not very likely. Easy to say in hindsight) and advised my former friend to get rid of it.
The brave soul that I had chosen to invite round, did not immediately jump to my defence. He sat beside me on the sofa reassuring me. I was by this time downing pints of cider in one swallow and smoking three at a time.
Slightly the worse for wear, I gently instructed him once more to do something about it.
When he moved towards this huge creature, it tried to make it's escape back out through the kitchen,failed and scuttled once more behind the books.
My hero gave the books a good kick and we settled down to await its reappearance.
I fancied I could hear De Mousio phoning his many many friends and relations and telling them to call round. I knew I could hear him laughing to himself while he built himself a nice warm nest in the Complete works of Oscar Wilde. I shivered as I heard him unlacing his boots and ligting up his cigarette while he waited for me to go to bed.
Mr Loverman on the other hand was phoning his taxi to go home.. planning to leave me at the mercy of legions of marauding mice. I advised him, in a friendly way, that he was going nowhere but to no avail. I was left at home, alone with the Beast and his mates.
I had the bright idea of sealing the gaps in the living room door .. with tea towels.. and then rethinking my position in the morning when the alcohlic mist cleared.
The following morning, I related my story to all who would listen. The best advice I could get was to purchase a few mouse traps and await the inevitable. I promised the kids we'd get a cat to prevent further invasions. I tried to bribe people to come and deal with the infestation. I went to sleep at night dreaming about him, sitting on my sofa, with his flat cap and his big boots.. now transformed into a 6 foot menacing monster of a thing. I was a nervous wreck.
I bought the traps.
Thus armed, I reentered the room set the (humane traps) and retreated.
After a few days of tentatively checking, there was no sign of Himself or any of his friends or relations. So in my mind they were rampaging through the house, shredding everything in their path. A slightly wiser friend suggested that I move the books and see if I could locate the nest/ holes/ evidence that De Mousio existed.
After a morning of tentatively entering and leaving the room, listening for the tell tale noise of creatures, I finally gathered the courage to touch the books.
There, behind, the Times Atlas of the World was Himself. Not laughing, not on the phone for reinforcements, not even settling down with his family.
He was squashed flat against the skirting board.. a grimace on his tiny face. He had clearly been in that unfortunate position for the week.
Instead of the relief that I sould have felt, I was overwhelmed with guilt. My kids condemned me as a mouse murderer.
But the guilt soon passed.

( ) ankers (complete as appropriate)

2008-12-17T23:52:00.002Z

I can't be the only person sick to the back teeth of 'credit crunches'.

I read two papers every day and I seem to be reading the same news over and over again. The robbing b******s that have created a global economic crisis are still at it. Investment managers, hedge fund managers, bankers, financial advisors .. the whole lot of them have presided over a robbery on a huge scale. They have robbed people of their savings, their homes, their jobs and their lives. They seem to be claiming that it was all a big accident. What????????

In sunny Northern Ireland today, a charity has had to curtail a housebuilding programme in Africa because their money is tied up in a tiny building society who appear to have lost a fortune in the dodgy investments industry.

I will ask again.. where exactly is all this money that is 'lost'. It must be somewhere.

And before anyone accuses me of oversimplifying, I am happy to have this all explained to me. As far as i can see, as I have said before, the chaos appears to be based on a culture of gambling. And even in the worst gambling scenario, someone pockets the money.

And the latest thing is that the oil companies have decided that our fuel is too cheap!! Can you believe it?
After a short couple of months when I could actually heat my house, they are going to reduce production so that the prices will rise again. What is that all about? They are going to create an oil shortage just to satisfy the need for more profit?

The way things are going, even if I win the lottery, I'd only have enough to fill the oil tank and maybe have enough change to buy a bag of chips and a half of cider.

I don't even want much.. a job, a house, heat, food, a social life and enough to send my kids to university. I am too old for all this worry about global recessions.

Listen people, there's more of us than there is of them. We'll have to do something!

Ideas on a postcard please

My Mojo

2008-12-05T13:08:00.002Z

Two things have happened in the past 24 hours .. both have given me back a bit of my mojo. The old mojo had got lost in a strange cloudy swamp. Now I see it's little muzzle peeping out from the slime.

The first thing was that I visited a life coach. Now this is not usually my 'thing'. I am desperate though. I know that I would not respond well to counselling so I asked my employer.. since a lot of my mojo is in a work swamp.. if they would pay for the coaching instead of the usual counseling. They agreed.

So there I was talking about transforming my work life in an hour yesterday afternoon.
The thing I learned was the Be Do Have technique.
To cut a long story short, in stead of thinking ' If I have x, I can be happy/content fulfilled etc', the idea is that we Be what we want to be and, Do what the 'being' is and we will then 'Have' what it is we wanted. You are essentially behaving as if you are what it is you want.
That's probably not a very scientific explanantion. The example is that you can say 'today I will be strong' and you 'do' things as if you are that strong person.
I am trying it out tomorrow night .. another Ladies Night Out. I am going to be flirty! I will keep you posted.

The other thing that happened was really odd.

A few weeks ago I was browsing a dating ad webpage. I came across one that was placed by a guy from near me. He sounded like a really really nice man but not at all my 'type'. And I am not his 'type'. According to what he had written, he wants the opposite of me. But because he sounded really weary and a bit fed up in his ad, and because I know what that feels like, I mailed him, told him that he sounded like a really nice man, his ad was brilliant and that I really hoped he found what he was looking for. I told him that I was not 'replying' to his ad as such, just wishing him luck. And that remains genuinely the case .. I still would not 'reply' in the traditional sense.

That was ages ago .

Then last night i was checking my emails just before I went to bed and Lo! there was an email from him. A really really nice one. He said that he really appreciated the support. Without going into all the details.. he wrote about his experience with the ad and thanked me again for the kind words. I replied.. more kind words and chat about my own exeriences and wished him luck again. Then ..this morning.. when I am feeling sniffy and coughy.. there was another mail from him. Again, really really nice but this time really giving me food for thought about why I am so uncomfortable with the online dating thing and meeting people and that kind of thing.
Again I responded .. a v v long mail. But one that for me was like blogging.. I did include in the email that I was considering deleting the mail rather than send it to him but I sent it nonetheless.

I am writing this because the weirdness is not in the getting the email from him. The strangeness was in reading my own thoughts coming from the tips of someone elses fingers.

I should point out that this is not the beginnings of a new romance and nor am I hoping to meet this person.. His 'profile' what he wants is not me and his profile of himself is not my 'type'. But it has so far been fascinating to talk some of the issues out with someone who is sitting in the same position. We don't have to pull any punches because we don't know each other. We come from the same place so he also knows the 'issues' that influence how we behave here.

It's really nice. I think I will be gutted if I don't hear from him again because he's like a wee dating coach!

I'll keep you posted

Cold and colds

2008-12-04T11:46:00.002Z

I have been very lazy.. no blogging at all anywhere..very very lazy.
I seem to have had no time for anything but work and sleep and checking out the occasional on line 'friend'.
I haven't yet reconnected with number 2 but that might be an event to look forward to this weekend.. except if I meet up with either number 3 or number 4.
Just in case all these escapades sound rather risky, I have been building in a few security arrangements.
Number 1 is still around in the background.. we still talk occasionally but that's about it really.
I have a few days off to recover from a cold, and I am bored to death, I been reflecting on all this love in cyberspace stuff.
I think that I have been approaching the whole issue of on line dating from a very female perspective. It's a perspective probably born from a long and colourful history of disappointments in our lives. We want our relationship to be good, loving, long term and unconditional. I think we try to eliminate all the possible imperfections as early in the relationship as possible. It seems easier bcause you get to lay your cards on the table so you can tell people .. or men.. what it is you want and they get to do the same. When you meet someone down at the pub, it's different.. you are more aware of the need to tip toe and find things out slowly.
Men I think have the right idea.. they approach on line dating in the same way as they approach meeting someone in the pub. It's all about getting to bed as soon as is humanly possible. I don't mean that they will sleep with anything. I just mean that they seem to think that sex is just another part of getting to know each other.. it may or may not mean anything. more often than not it doesn't!
I was trying to cultivate the same attitude but I am finding it hard!!
But that said, I am having fun talking to all these strangers..
All is well with the world.. in my house anyway!

love in a slightly warmer climate

2008-10-19T16:58:00.002+01:00

Now.. lessons have been learned since my earlier attempts to find Mr Right online. I placed an ad and got quite a lot of responses.
So I narrowed it down to the ones that I could have a bit of a conversation with and the ones that really caught my eye for one reason or another... usually because they were a bit off the wall.
I even kept in touch with one of the 25 year olds.. tho I think that's more about being a mammy than any thoughts of love with a toy boy. Mr 25 is lovely .. very intense and very articulate. If I was 20 years younger I am sure that we'd get on very well.. but then if I was 20 years younger, he probably wouldn't have replied to the ad. .. funny old world!
Then there's the one that I chat to all day and all night. He makes me laugh.. he's clever .. he's engaged with the world. We met last night and (apart from the intrusion of a mouse - that's a whole other story) we had a lovely night. All the more lovely for the fact that we had agreed that no matter what.. it was to be talking only.
I did all the things that you don't do to create a good impression.. drank too much .. smoked too much.. talked at him .. and then there was the mouse debacle.. but we had a laugh and stuck to the rules!
If nothing else, I got a laugh and we may (or may not) hook up again!

Bail Out

2008-10-08T11:41:00.005+01:00

The British and Irish governments have bailed out the banks in order to stabilise their - our -economies. There is a bit of me that understands that there is a need to do something to rectify the damage that has been done. What galls me a lot is that the banks and people like them have put us in this position in the first place!
They have not produced a single thing.. no goods have changed hands.. nothing good has been created.
The whole drama .. as far as I can see .. rests on the concept of value!
Shares in companies are valued minute by minute and they can go up and down based on something intangible, invisible and incomprehensible. If I live to be a million.. I wll never get it.
If I had money in a bank - an idea that I am not entirely familiar with - that money could disappear - a concept that I am far too familiar with.
And it would be nothing that I had done that made it disappear.
Today, if the money was there, I could buy a new mashing machine.. to replace the one that died yesterday..I could go back to the same bank tomorrow and with no activity on my part, the money.. or indeed the bank could be gone.
How can this happen?
It's all theoretical.. nothing happens except that a very small number of people speculate on value... they took unacceptable, incalculable and intolerable risks.. and many of them lied through their corporate teeth about the way that things were going.
The upsetting bit is that these same people/ corporations who are currenly being bailed out, are repossessing individual families houses because for one reason or another, people cannot pay! It seems to me so unjust.
The money involved is incredible... apparently, the UK contribution/ commitment is multiples of the NHS budget. The big questions must be where did the money come from and why is it going to the risk takers and not to providing people with enough money to get by.
For generations, the Left have been telling us that the banks, the corporations, owners of capital are not to be trusted.. for generations they have been ridiculed .. and now it would appear that they have been vindicated..the state is looking after capitalism and the capitalists and the rest of us? Thrown to the wolves..
If there was any justice.. and here I am supposing that the economic system is not going to change just yet.. the state will only bail out banks who do not repossess houses or threaten, intimidate and drive to the point of suicide, people who are on the financial edge through no fault of their own.

Love in a Cold Cold COLD climate

2008-10-08T11:37:00.002+01:00

Well we went out to the prearranged event and do you know what? It wasn't so bad after all. We had a laugh and chatted and he suggested that maybe we should do it again!
Now I am not so stupid as to fall into that particular hole again..but perhaps there is room for negotiation on the talking and not fighting the whole time. Maybe the trick is not to talk too often!

BIG night out

2008-10-06T11:50:00.002+01:00

Do you remember Mr Wonderful.. the one that made me angry, hurt etc.
Well, we have a prearranged night out coming up. I thought it wouldn't happen.... but it is!
I am excited and very nervous.. not particularly because I think that this is the restart of something beautiful. I am looking forward to seeing him to see if there's any chance that we can be pals.
At the start, I thought that we'd end up being drinking buddies but 'stuff' got in the way. But I really miss chatting to him in a chilled out way and I would like it to go back to the way that it was.
In case there is any confusion, I would love things to have worked out with him.. even though it was pretty impossible. But in the absence of that I would like to be able to talk to him like a normal person.
I think that our prearranged night out might help me to clear things.. either we'll have a great night and be friends again or it will be a disaster and I will not be talking to him ever again. So positive thoughts and mantras .. smiley faces .. and a good night to be had by all

Finding Mr Right

2008-10-04T20:40:00.003+01:00

I placed an ad on an online dating / lonely hearts web site thingy (gumtree). The ad was quite vague saying what I like and don't like in men but I put in my age (old).. and very little else.
I have had a deluge of responses in the past few days from all kinds of men. Some looking for a bit of 'adult fun' which I assume is a bit of the other with no strings and no commitment and probably with someone who's married or in some other relationship.
I could have been in a 'nice hotel' having 'a bit of fun' tonight or I could have been in any number of pubs.
I am shocked though at the number of responses from really young guys. The youngest is 22. Twenty two!! It's mind boggling to think that, even for a joke, they would reply to an ad from a woman of 46.
I've heard of milfs.. but I always imagined that it was an entirely physical thing.. that they saw someone really hot and fantasised. I have had their phone numbers, photos, life stories ..... everything.
Don't get me wrong.. I love younger men.. in fact my most recent unrequited crush was for someone who's about 15 years younger than me. So much so that I would not be averse to stalking him even now!
But when I look at some of them I imagine that they have young women falling over themselves to get into their trousers! And they are funny, clever, chatty and very nice. I just don't get it at all!
The strangest thing is I haven't had any really weird ones ..a wee bit off the wall maybe.
I have been disturbed that some want to meet me straight away and want me to send pictures or my number to total strangers. The ones that I am getting on best with are the ones who are happy to chat with no pressure or expectation.. I have learned my lesson in that respect.
I have been chatting to one or two now for a few days and I have really hit it off with some. we've just had good long chats about nothing in particular, Even in the cold (very cold tonight) light of day, these few are really something!
I was going to write a 10 steps to get you noticed for you guys who are thinking of replying to ads.. but I suppose the whole point of the replies is that you want them to show who you really are.. not who you think you should be!
I might think about doing 10 things to make a woman run a mile!
I will keep you posted because it is really good fun and I think worth keeping my own diary record of!

Boo Hoo Hoo

2008-10-04T15:12:00.002+01:00

Now that I have dealt with the disappointment and the anger.. I have settled down and returned to normal to some extent.

My new approach is to peruse the dating columns and sites and to actually answer some of the ads and to see where they go.

I 'm currently chatting to a few nice people.. it's all very casual and chatty and pleasant. One or two have made a very nice impression and some of the others have made a very strange impression.. but more of that another time.

But, no matter how I try to control myself, I still miss himself! Life's just not fair.

they're back

2008-10-04T15:00:00.004+01:00

The Prince of Darkness has returned to the Labour fold..

He's one of the authors of New Labour spin. The man with the common touch ... not!

Came to Northern Ireland after Mo Mowlam was shafted and managed to alienate the whole community equally - a massive.. but perverse.. achievement, I suppose.

He's the man who brought 'colour-me-beautiful' principles to British politics.. he helped to make the party look nice and sound nice and feel nice. For a lot of us, it was the ultimate betrayal.. Labour's final break from the working class.

What should we expect?

We should expect the soothing voice delivering ever more bitter blows... like the clergyman that leads the condemned prisoner to the killing room.

Peter Mandelson.. the legend continues

calm

2008-10-03T20:52:00.002+01:00

I am not angry any more.. I am getting my perspective back and the world is once again a wonderful place.
I am trying to gather myself to have a couple of nights out to celebrate my birthday. That will bring me back to normal agin. Nothing like a night out with the Ladies of a Certain Age to get my sense of fun and excitement back. I will of course keep you posted.

angry today

2008-09-30T20:18:00.002+01:00

that last post was written a few days ago and saved as a draft. I thought I'd just delete it and forget about it. But today I'm an angry woman.. I re read what I had written and I wanted to remind myself that I'm not always angry...
Today I am angry because I know all the manipulation was conscious.. don't ask me how I know.. it's just blindingly obvious.
I really really want to get him in a corner and tell him what's on my mind... email's no good because I want to see his face as I am beating it with a brush handle.
Actually that bit wasn't true. The brush handle bit!
I hate having things on my mind and not being able to get them out. I'm going to be carrying this round til I either explode or get it said. So I would like you all to focus and think me into his presence so I can say it all.

more ranting

2008-09-28T20:03:00.004+01:00

It's very hard... not being hurt.

I have tried really hard not to think about him but it's difficult. I suppose I have too much time on my hands.

I feel let down and disappointed as well as hurt. I am pretty sure a fair part of it is my own fault because I have walked into the hurt, ignoring all the flags and signs. It doesn't make it any easier. I am hoping that I can write it all out of my system over the next week or so.

It's been many years since anything hurt me as bad.. strange because my last couple of relationships have been longer and more 'serious'. So I can't explain with any kind of logic or sense why I feel so bad this time.

I think that I was 'ready' for something to happen and it's very very hard when something you want is clearly not what the object of your desires wants. There's nothing you can do to make it work; there's nothing you can do to make yourself feel any better about it.

I think that the penny finally dropped about the 'overness' of my fling today. Until now I had harboured the illusion (delusion) that there was something to be retrieved.

I read something today that changed that

My stomach turned and my heart pounded and I felt thoroughly sick. We're not talking about anything particularly offensive here.. the only person that it would mean anything to is me. It was just something that made me realise that there was nothing between us as far as he's concerned.

I can't even say that he had mislead me or manipulated me, He never really said anything that I could have misconstrued. He said just enough to keep me hanging on in there. I suppose that is manipulation in a way. It depends really whether what he actually did say was consciously intended to keep me hanging on in there.

I also know that in the real world things would never have worked. He couldn't have been more different from me. I also think that in spitve of all his protests, he's not as straightforward as he thinks he is. He's one of those guys who thinks he's an open book. It can be very difficult because it probably means that we were not at all straight with one another. Never the best foundation for a lasting relationship.

So it's done and dusted and buried - sort of.

Some part of me would love to take a couple of days off work to try and restore my good humour. That's ridiculous though and, in my head, I know that this is a temporary blip.

But in my heart I just feel sad.

I hate that I let someone hurt me and that I let myself be so easily hurt. I wish I could just switch off the nausea and the disappointment. That must be the kind of thing that comes with the territory.

It must be good in a way, that I am not so cynical that I could avoid hurt by not having any feelings at all. Just at the moment though it feels very sore and unnecessary

and then to the land of fantasy banking

2008-09-15T12:42:00.003+01:00

In my job, I am regulated to within an inch of my life. There is an inspection for every occasion, an audit for every department and a review for every individual. We are measured, monitored and metered. Our decisions are subjected to close internal and external scrutiny. If we make an error of judgement, our mistake is assessed, evaluated and published for the world to comment on.
Look at the furore over the public servants who do not follow procedures... if the report isn't written up, the message isn't passed on, the risk is missed or underestimated. Perfectly normal human mistakes - granted with serious possible risks and consequences for people... too often tragic or fatal consequences. But without exception, heads roll. Usually the head at the lowest point of the food chain. ...and no one has an ounce of sympathy.
In the middle of all that, the government castigates in the individuals and departments involved. Ministers ask for reports and explanations from people who provide public services on decreasing budgets. When the budget drops, savings must be made and, inevtably, corners are cut. The bigger the saving required, the heavier the demand on individuals and the more likely the error.
Many of the people involved are the people who are paid peanuts, work in poor conditions and contrary to popular belief, don't have limitless job security. They are advised by everyone who has an opinion (or should I say everybody.. full stop) that their demand for a living wage is excessive and unreasonable.
Roll on then to the banks
They have brought the global economies to the brink of collapse. After telling us for years that competition and markets will save us, we are now discovering that competition and free markets are mediated by inacceptable and unmanageable risks. And these people who have gambled with our money, lied about their activities and manipulated the media, the government and the ordinary person.. when their errors and lies are exposed, the state and the financial institutions bail them out!
They produce zero! Nothing! 0000000!
They make money for their shareholders by a form of professional gambling. Their priority is the price and the profit. Not even a nod to the impact of what they do.
And now they've essentially imploded and what happens? After making an example of Lehman Brothers, the world's banks and governments step in to change the rules and bail the financial institutions out.
Was there no one watching when all this was going on?
If these institutions are regulated, why are the auditors and inspectors not being called to account? Who are the auditors? Are they the same companies that charge the public sector a fortune for their services?
If they got it so wrong, why are government departments paying them to audit our services.
And the governments and banks who are bailing the financial institutions out? Are these the same governments who can't provide free health care, can't subsidise housing, fuel, food, welfare benefits, living wages etc etc.
But now they have found the resources to bail out the people who put the rest of us at risk of homelessness, worklessness and desperation. The same people who created the circumstances are being subsidised by me and the rest of us!
Robert Tressell wrote of The Money Trick. The short version is that the worker produces the goods, exchanges those goods for the lowest imaginable wage and then exchanges the wage for some of the goods that they produced in the first place.
The bosses on the other hand take the goods and then sell them back to the workers but for a considerably higher price than they originally paid.
What would Robert Tressell made of the new age money trick of fantasy global economics.
And what do the old leftie tree hugging socialists make of all this? The same as we always did.. capitalism, in all it's glory, has demonstrated that it serves only one master.

back to the real world

2008-09-14T11:52:00.004+01:00

Liverpool beat United 2-1 yesterday.. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Disaster

2008-09-14T11:52:00.003+01:00

Someone reads this! It has been ages since I had a comment .. very exciting it was!
Anyway, the commenter said that their friend's experience of online dating was a disaster too. So that got me wondering if my own experience was really as bad as I thought.
In the sense that I got hurt (even though I am NOT hurt) then, yes, I suppose it wasn't good. But the same thing could have happened if I had met him in a pub. Or anywhere for that matter.
I had two Experiences .. 'The One With The Very Strange Man'... which thankfully never went beyond a few exchanged emails. I am fairly sure if I had met him in a pub I would have realised within 30 seconds of talking that he was way way 'out there'! So no disaster .. more like a bit of a warning.
Number 2 experience 'The One With The Man I really Liked'.. which went much further than I planned.. Now that was a different thing altogether.
I got drawn into an online relationship and, in the real world, that's not a good idea. It's like falling for a soap star. You find yourself drawn to a character rather than a real person. And it was the same for him..I was clearly different! I didn't try to be but that's the way it is!
The 'disaster' part was the bit where I let myself get carried away. The big disaster happened with MSN.. I should never have got involved with that. It's almost like a magic mist descends. You end up talking about things that you would normally never say .. and, from the talking, comes the 'thinking things that you would never normally think'.
I suppose in a strange way, this gives more weight to the self help books argument that if you say things often enough, you begin to believe them. The logical step on therefore is to say nice things to yourself, begin to believe them and then live them.
So, online dating.. a disaster? Probably not..
Me.. dating? A disaster? Probably..
If Carlsberg made 'relationship material' it probably wouldn't be me!

once bitten..

2008-09-08T22:54:00.002+01:00

Never one to learn by previous mistakes, I replied to an online dating ad thingy.
Decided shortly after that this is not not not for me......
I got about 4 responses from the guy I emailed. Fortunately I had not disclosed my name, location, number etc etc. I wonder if other people are happy to give out such personal information immediately.
Anyway, he was very very very strange.. so strange that I still have the shudders thinking about it. The ad was very good. He said all the things that a woman wants to hear.. it's not about the physical side of a relationship; it's about love, respect, caring, space. Actually he had placed a few ads - perhaps he was 'refining' the narrative to create the best impact.
So I emailed and asked a few more questions. His first response was odd.. he asked a lot of questions about me including one or two that alluded to physical relationships. Part of the response also alluded to violent trains of thought!
And although experience set the alarm bells ringing, I replied to his email, but gave away only quite generic information... nothing that could identify me... i hope.
The next response was even stranger.. again the allusion to violent trains of thought.. this time however it also seemed to indicate that this man felt that I should feel honoured to provide him with my personal details and I should be delighted to remain in contact with him when he had so many good offers!
just told him that to my mind we were not compatible!
No more online dating for me.. too weird! Back to my roots.. falling down drunk in pubs! nights out instead of nights in front of the laptop

to hurt or not to hurt..

2008-09-07T13:52:00.002+01:00

I decided not to be hurt.

In a way my heart is broken because I broke one of my core rules.. don't let anyone talk you into going at their pace! I have a lot to lose or screw up... kids, job, heart, head. If I let myself get hurt, there's knock on effect for everyone else and God knows there have been enough traumas and confusions in my kids lives to do them a life time. They need to see a positive relationship and a happy mum.

I let myself be led into considering possibilities that really were never there. I should have known..in fact I did know. I knew it was going to be a laugh and no strings attached. How I managed to let myself think it was going anywhere else is a mystery.
I suppose I just wanted it to!

Anyway, I have now decided not to be hurt.

It's not easy.. I am disappointed and angry up to a point! but I decided not to be hurt.
A relationship by email/ instant messaging takes us to places that, under normal, face to face circumstances, we would never go. You talk about things from the safety of the laptop that you wouldn't normally talk about. I suppose you feel as if you know people better than you really do.

In the cold light of day, you know that it's not the real deal. You know that one person writes something and the other person interprets it through their own lens. Sarcasm doesn't travel well through cyberspace.. it can be seriously misinterpreted. Mood is impossible to interpret.. you need the body language, the tone, the facial expression, the context.
I might think that last wee one liner is funny - he might find it offensive or hurtful. I can't tell how he's taking it: he can't tell what I meant in the first place.
And all this is then reinterpreted again through the standard Male Interpretation Device. Or the female one. Anyone who says men and women don't think/ behave/ decipher differently spends too much time in front of their laptop. It's heartache waiting to happen..

There's a school of thought that says that people - women particularly- think until their heart bleeds! The 'cure' for this is to be more conscious about what we think.. to control the thoughts so that we are not letting the thoughts run away and get a life of their own.
Sooooooooo... this is the new me!
Everything at face value.. no hidden agendas.. no more 'he said/ he meant' ... no handing my happiness over to someone else.
I am trying to carry this over to work too. The major negativity vibes in my work have had a massive impact on me. Some days, when I walk through the front door of the office, I feel as if someone punched me in the gut. I decided that those days are gone.. I will be going into work, ready to face the day and prepared to deflect the negativity. I don't want to listen to it, I don't need to deal with it. All I need to do is acknowledge it and move it on to another place! i am going to have a laugh, do what I have to do and spend my energy doing the best I can!
I suspect I'll be writing all this down as it happens because my other new rule is that all my anguish does not get shared with people who know me!

psychic.. or what?

2008-08-31T14:48:00.002+01:00

Well, how many days was it? two or three?? after having the discussion about having fun and no one getting hurt, I managed to get hurt.
The details aren't important because it probably was just something that was waiting to happen. I could see it coming and I am so annoyed with myself for letting it happen.
I suppose I knew that there was no 'relationship' there.. but it is very difficult to avoid being involved with someone.. if you know what I mean...even if in your head you know it's not what you want, it's not what the other person wants, it's not practical and it's not going anywhere. If your heart says you're involved, then you're involved.
I am annoyed with myself mostly because I let myself be led into leaving myself exposed to more heartache.
It's partly to do with the long distance and the keeping contact online - it's difficult not to 'interpret' or put a tone of voice on what's being said. So we end up saying something and it's received entirely differently. Then, if you're like me, it's there, all day or night, in your head like a recording on a loop!
If we were there, in the flesh, so to speak you could just get it out of the way.
At the same time, I know that it is better for me to feel something. I don't want to get involved with something that's just physical... and because of that I can't be entirely relaxed around physical intimacy.
My order of engagement seems to be head - heart - soul - body. The body just hands itself over when the other three are involved. Must be something to do with the old Irish Catholic upbringing.
Anyway, this time, in my heart of hearts, I knew my head and heart were involved and the red flag was fluttering gaily!!The soul and body were proving resistant. In a way that's a good thing..
But my heart is getting too old for all this stress! I wish I could disengage my head and heart and just go for having a laugh and enjoying the sins of the flesh without any other involvement. I suppose I would stop being me!
Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.. I would reinvent myself as someone who thought less, worried less and did more! I'd engage in a few more sins - that's a certainty...
So here I am..heart sore.
I don't know what I want.

what do I want?

2008-08-29T01:31:00.002+01:00

I have been having this conversation with myself and with anyone who cares to listen to me. Is he tall, short, fat, thin, clever, dominant, quiet, loud? Booky, sporty, drunk, stoned, musical, creative, argumentative, the same as me, different?
I have had this conversation with everyone... Everyone except the person I should have had it with!!!
We had a funny conversation tonight which ended along the lines of 'I'm having fun; you're having fun; nobody's going to get hurt..'
As a professional in Overthinking, I wonder how he can be so sure! Part of my problem is that I don't really know what I want.
Obviously I want him at the moment. And I am having fun...no question about that.
But what if it stops being fun and starts being serious?
I know I am getting into the realms of fantasy now and that I can 'what if' forever and to the point where I never take a chance on anything.
But I am tortured by the thought that I will not walk away from this unscathed and that walking away is almost a certainty! Not because I want to walk away but because I'm fairly sure now that we want different things...
I know for example that I can't do casual relationships. When I say 'can't' I mean that 'I don't really want to'. Do I want to see him in my life in five years time?
Unfortunately I thinkI do.
That would be really good if I thought that he was thinking of long term relationships. But......

So, do I just go along with casual and hold back as much as I can and bring everything to an undignified end when I know I am getting carried along too far?
Or do I cut my nose off to spite my face and walk off into the sunset tonight with the memory of a nearly broken heart. And a lot of fun.
I am not equipped to deal with more heartache. I am not really the kind of person who plays with one person and keeps an eye open for whatever else comes along. I don't want to teach the kids in my family that casual realtionships and a different head in the bed are ok. So I am thinking that getting away now might be the best bet.
And i am overthinking it all again!!!!